Dear Owls, New Pain.

Dear owls, 

The last time I wrote here, I was starting my Newsletter, getting paid for a summer job and confused about decisions I had to make for myself. It's odd how my issues back then seem so simple now. It's almost like in the past few months, I've become a completely different person. Whether I like the person I've become or not, I'm not sure, but I like to think that I'm getting there. 

A quick recap: Second semester of University, First year. Nothing has been going on... really. 

However, I have had a breakdown, a change of train tracks and for that reason, I need to find out quickly where I want my train to switch to; left or right. I'm going through a phase where I'm quickly losing understanding of why certain things happen to certain people and do not happen to others. I've heard all my life that everything happens for a reason but nobody says anything else about it, other than a polite smile. We, as humans, have come to believe that everything in our life happens for the pure purpose of another event happening. 

Is that really what Life is? A combinations of events? Let's just say it is, since I'm so keen on finding my own definition for Life. 

To continue my definition; why is life so freaking hard? But then, when you think it's all over and it's better than you ever hoped it would be, it slaps you in the face again. Why does Life do that to you? Is that what it adds to? 

Life /noun/ A combination of events over the years of your existence and your tolerance towards them in attempt to continue living. 

That's not too bad. It sums up what I've learnt over the past years and after all my years of asking what the hell life is, I guess it's a pretty good conclusion- cliche, but good.  

And apologies for a crappy post, I guess it's just me trying to work out metaphoric pieces of a metaphoric puzzle that I can't tolerate trying to solve anymore. A lot has been taken away from me, and I guess in the process I'm trying to be grateful for what I still have. I haven't been kind to my surrounding, I've been bitter, uptight, angry and confused. 

Honestly, I'm just scared. And the idea that there are some things in life I can't control doesn't make it easy. They tell you "Life tests you to your breaking point, just to show you how much you can withstand", but I'm not sure if I'm going to be strong enough to handle my breaking point. 

At times like these, you try to remind yourself that other people have it worse than you do, that one day you'll look back at your life and laugh at your struggles- but they never really tell you how you overcome them. Maybe that's why you end up laughing. 

You laugh at your past because you were so stupid, stressing over things you couldn't possible fix, crying over people who couldn't even hear you and looking for answers that didn't want to be found. 

You laugh because you're tired of crying. And maybe that's what life is. Life isn't who you are, rather what you did with yourself. Contrary to what I thought it was, Life isn't a noun, it's a verb. 

Life /verb/ Adjusting, overcoming, or adapting.

Love always, 

Me.