Monday, 30 March 2015

This isn't about you.

"I heard you've been thinking about me, again." he said. His eyes scanned mine like lasers. “I heard you don’t breathe sometimes because our memories make you weak. I heard that sometimes at night, you stop dreaming because all you can dream is me coming back one day, but I won’t. I will never come back.”

“I never want you to.” I muster.

“So why do your eyes cry for me? Why does your heart beat faster when the memory of me comes past your recollection? Why do your stories reek of my smell?”

“Everything reeks of your smell; except my stories.”

“Have you read them?”

“No. I wrote them.”

The silence caused a void between us. With each word I was saying to you, I felt a bit of our past peel off me, like remains of a sugar cane that melted in a hot summer; our summer.

“If you somehow come across a poem of mine and think it’s about you, think again. If you’re reading this thinking I wrote this about you, stop. Sometimes, I want to write something and I hesitate because I'm afraid I would hurt your feelings, or the feelings of whomever wants to believe those stories and poems is about them. My life and my feelings are about me. If I want to complain about cruelty and my life going wrong, I will. This is my comfort zone. Go find your own." I spit out.

"I never took away your comfort zone. I'm just looking out for you, I'm making sure you're okay." he yelled, his hands held out defensively. "I'm not some freak who just follows your stories around. I just want to know how you're doing!" 

"Then ask me, not my blog." I rolled my eyes, "I just wanted you to know that what I write has nothing to do with my life- it's my way of letting things out. Each letter is my cigarette, each word my addiction and you seem to be the rehab I never asked for.
I’ve moved on because I know what’s best for me...I’ve changed.” 

“I don’t see a change.”

“That’s because you haven’t changed.”

Thursday, 26 March 2015

Dear Owls, looking up.

Dear Owls, 

At the beginning of this year, I made a list of things I wanted to get done. The funny part is, the list became a life goal kind of thing too. Since it was the new year of 2015, I made 15 new goals I wanted to achieve by the end of this year. However, what I didn't expect is that it would turn out so darn good. It had religious, educational, health/personal, monetary/business and overall goals I wanted to get done. With each category I had, I added a couple of things and thus began the triumph of my year. 

Honestly? This year started off terribly. There is so much I wish happened differently, but I wouldn't change anything. Things are finally looking up (thank God) and I'm getting used to the fact that bad things will happen and I just have to deal with it. 

In the past month, I've been at a conference and earned myself a three night stay with my mom at the cutest hotel ever; Hyatt Regency. Most nights were stressful because she was somewhat in charge of a thousand things, and although she wasn't directly held responsible- you know my mom. She'll want to make sure everything is okay even though she doesn't have to. I remember sitting in the hotel room just taking in the quiet time. It was such a peaceful relaxing time and I feel like 3 days were more than enough because I was honestly starting to miss my boys at home. I do have to mention my midnight romance with Creme Brulee! If you don't know what that is, I've added a picture below: 

For those of who you don't know what it is, it's this piece of amazing heaven that I have slowly fell in love with. It's a vanilla creme custard desert with burnt sugar on the surface and- Oh My Lord. It is just the most amazing thing I have ever put in my mouth. So... for that reason, I decided to get it every single night at my stay; that's 3 creme brulee's in a very VERY short amount of time. 

Another awesome experience was meeting an author at the festival of literature and getting the privilege of driving her to our university! I don't drive though, but I was in the car; going and coming. She spoke about her life and her husband was there too. Her name was Adele Parks and mom and I bought two books of hers after she spoke at our university. She was such a lovely positive person. I was worried it would be difficult to strike up a conversation with her, but it totally wasn't! 

Something I find extra exciting is my talk in the university for International Women's Day. I only spoke for a couple of minutes, but during that speech, I managed to cross out a goal on my checklist for the year and for my life. I spoke about Arab Women and the Liberation of the Scarf. Before going on stage, I freaked out so much, but once I got up there... it just became another goal I had to achieve. And I did. I thank God everyday for giving me the privilege to speak up and not lose my ability to face a crowd with all the drama going on.

Apart from tutoring, I've been attending many conferences and talks that go about in our uni. Every time I hear someone speak, all I can think about is, "when will it be my turn to show the world something good?" 

Soon, hopefully. 

Now, I focus on breathing. I focus on trying not to forget the good that has been given to me and the times I feel invincible. I focus on doing good to myself and to others; mostly on making a difference. Finally, I try not to hear his voice in my head. All it does is bring me back to step one. A little voice in my head that tells me, "Stop looking up, it's just the sky", because it's not just a sky. There are mysteries and a universe of possibilities and maybe, just maybe, a chance for me reach higher than my vision. 

Yours with a fresh mind and attempts at actually living, 
Happy Spring Break! 

Monday, 9 March 2015

Dear Owls, oh.

Dear Owls, 

You know when you try to make a difference in your life and everything seems to be going amazingly well for like... 2 seconds? Or when you convince yourself that now everything is going to be okay because nothing can bring you down if you set your mind to that belief? 
It just sucks to have to continuously build yourself up after someone slams your right back to where you started from. All I seem to be doing lately is secretly and publicly complain about how life isn't going as planned or how everything seems to haunt me in sudden memories at the least expected times. Yet, although I complain this much, when I get the question, "Are you happy?" I swallow everything I said and nod. I refuse to be categorized as unhappy again. It's been three months since everything came tumbling down and for the past three months, all I've tried to do is move on and get over the negativity- but it seems to follow me like a shadow I can't stitch onto someone else. 
So, what does someone do when the worst is tipping the scale and the best seems to be no where in sight? I once said that problems and bumps in the road make life interesting and that humans would get bored without them, but I think I may have outdone it this time. 
Oh what an interesting life I've bought myself this year. Oh how I would kill for a little boredom.

Yours always, 

Saturday, 7 March 2015

Poem || Protection.

And when you lied the first time,
you said you were doing it to protect me.
And I believed you
because I thought I needed protection.

And then you bought me a star,
telling me it reminded you of me
And I believed you
because I thought I needed praising

And then you bought me the sky and
told me it was my bulletin board
And promised I could pin down the stars you bought me
because they'd be more of them

And with each star I pinned down,
I felt their light dimmed down
As though I was killing them
Neigh, stabbing them.

And then when I told you I couldn't kill
anymore stars.
You laughed and said I was too soft
and soft women were stupid and gullible

One day, you came in holding a bag
Of stardust, probably from a star that died
And you told me to use it as glitter
On the bulletin board
But I refused

Boy, I never saw you so mad.
You grabbed my hand and
forced me into the sky
And threw my stars away
Causing each one to shine so bright again

And I smiled because now they were free
Then frowned, because I wasn't.

I took my bag of pins and popped the bubble
you trapped me in.
And when you asked me why I was leaving
I looked you straight in the eyes and
I lied to you
But it's okay because
I was only lying to protect you.

Dear Owls, human nature.

Dear Owls, 

We are all faced by a choice in our life. Not the salt or no salt choice, the actual important choice. Choices like, will I chose to betray his trust or will I do the right thing despite of all the sacrifices made? Will I leave him hanging to save myself, or will I reach a hand out even though it could get it chopped off? Will I forget the past or will I let it haunt me? 
Will I wake up tomorrow, or will I do the cowardly thing and take my own life? 

Everyone on this planet is given a choice; it's the one thing that differentiates us from animals and plants. They do not chose their path, but we do. It's human nature to doubt and question. But what if you're stuck at a fork in the road? One day, you open you eyes and notice, shit- I actually have to decide what to do now. I'm not a child anymore and I need to take action before action is taken on me. It's also human nature to learn, and therefore, in the process of taking decisions and choosing the right path, we learn to be patient. We, as humans, learn to understand the problem before we make it worse. Well, some of us at least. The other some are still out there pondering at 2AM what their life is about. They ponder if they'll ever amount to anything or if they'll ever do something worth being proud of. As for decisions, I have none lately. The only thing I'm doing is learning to be patient. 

Salt or no salt. 
I wish it were that simple; sometimes, I think maybe it is. 

Thursday, 5 March 2015

Dear Owls, remember?

Dear Owls, 

Do you remember the last time you told someone you loved them, the last time you smiled, the last time you ran to a total stranger because they dropped something, or even the last time you lost something of you own? 
Some times, we are so caught of with the to-do lists and agendas we set for our days, so busy that we forget to take note of a stranger's smile or the time you first noticed someone you never knew was there; like a mailman that passes by each morning, or the security guard that greets you in your morning stroll to your university. So many things, unimportant yet meaningful things, tiptoe past us and we forget to give them their recognition. It's obvious that these things happen monotonously but it doesn't mean that it doesn't give your day a certain melody. What if the days you said were not so good days were because you didn't get your morning smile from the neighbor, or because the mailman skipped your house?
It's hard to know what we want in life, some people don't even know yet, so when you get these simple privileges to meet and greet new and old people, it's always good to mentally take note of them and not completely go past them with your phone calls or replying to emails. Give each moment in your life a chance, no matter how small it may seem, when you do this you're simply telling life that you don't mind it's interruptions because it's what makes your life beautiful. 
The next time you hand someone something they've dropped, let that moment sink in, smile because the 100 bucks they dropped could have been the only thing keeping them going. Then, when you're done priding yourself, remember the one thing keeping you going, if it's a person, go tell them you love them. 
Baby Yoshi Blinking