Dear owls, clarity.

Dear Owls, 

Oh, it hurt. More than any kind of pain I felt. A silent pain, with no cure. It hurt like a drug, infusing my system with venom that I could not get out. It was spreading inside me so fast, I couldn't stop it because I didn't know the source of it. I ran so fast, I jumped, I was on a different kind of high. I didn't understand myself. I couldn't keep up with my own thoughts, feelings. It was the weirdest situation I was ever put in. And here I am, blogging once more about the mountains that come my way, hoping I could later understand the bliss of not going through this much.

"That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt," - John Green

Last night, I was splashed with a bucket of clarity, but now I am suffering the cost of the frostbite afterwards. Where are thoughts born? Why are we always putting ourselves in situations that hurt? Where is the growth that happens from all this? All I feel is a fall. Just falling. Slipping. It's better than before, for sure. To tell you about what's happening now, I'd have to explain to you what happened before. It started off with one negative thought, a bitter emotion of some sort. I was offered an opportunity that I couldn't take (simple because of the people around me) and so I had to turn it down. The problem, however, didn't stop there. It escalated, developed into something much stronger; fury. I was furious at the world. At the wind. At water. At anything that had a label (so half the relationships at our university didn't count- minor lol)

So, how does this story end? It doesn't I'm still feeling confused. But, I gained some clarity along the way. Talking to people, the ones you trust, it helps. It's good to ask questions when you think you've figured out all the answers; odds are, there's always something you've missed out.

I sit here now wondering how amazing things would have been if I could gulp up a glass of clarity. Just chug it down until I can't chug anymore. Here's to more understanding. To more people in my life, that remind me of my roots, my beliefs and myself. The real me. The one that doesn't worry about the fear she gets before she asks a stupid question.

Yours,
Me.

Dear Owls, lost but home.

Dear Owls,

I'm losing my mind over a world that offers me nothing but more questions to a question. I'm drunk on ideas, drunk on possibilities and drunk on nothing but reckless thoughts that will get me nowhere. What do they call a place for people like us? Daydreamers, locked inside the prison of their mind, forever questioning everything that comes to them. Or doesn't come to them.

I'm too much of an Arab in Dubai and too much of a Westerner in my hometown. I'm too loud, too opinionated but too quiet and fragile voiced. I'm too much of something but also too much of something else at the same time. I'm too religious, but too open minded. I'm too much but not enough. And where do they put people like me? Where do they store us when they need us? And where can I find more of me? More of confusion. Because, ironically, two confused people clear each other's vision. It is a sanity pill finding someone who is as confused, as dazed as I am. I am lost in my mind. Lost between wanting to know more and never wanting to reach the finish line.

And here I am, years later, asking the same question: what is life? 

Sometimes, I lose myself to the thoughts of "could've been", "should've been" and never really being. The reason I haven't written for so long, was because I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing. So afraid of just blogging again. I sometimes forget that I started this blog to clear my mind, to remember that thoughts can be put into words if pinpointed. There is something so gorgeous about this world, a screen that everyone's eyes glistens to, except mine. Not that I don't find anything beautiful, rather I don't know where the magic happens. 

To my dear owls, I'm torn between the many realities I have set out for myself. I'm going on mini adventures in my brain and none of them are taking me to a destination. And so, I sit here in the comfort of my bedroom, the mountains, the middle of the ocean... lost. And yet so at home.

Yours always,

Me.