Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Dear Owls, Pillows.

Dear Owls,

When I was 12, I had a total of two pillows on my bed. I didn't need more because that's literally all I needed to have a good night's sleep. Now that I'm older, I've got four pillows and a billion (actually, just four) cushions laying after my pillows. Why do I have so many pillows? I hardly ever use the extra two, and the cushions always end up on the floor. I never needed those pillows before, I never even knew when I put them. They just sort of happened, I guess. One minute I was hugging a pillow and laying on one and the next I was stuck with four.

Have I lost my mind? 
Am I going to make a point out of the pillows? 
Most probably. 

The reason behind the pillows is the same reason humans make relationships. We only really need a limited number of people in our lives, they could be anyone really. Our pets, our parents, our siblings, our... bestfriends even. They could be anyone. But as we grow older, we want more pillows, we want more people to know and to love. What we don't understand is that we will never be able to love everyone on our friend-list. We will never be able to hug all our pillows. The longer you leave those pillows untouched, the more dust they'll collect, the colder they'll get. Some people like to hug cold pillows more than warm pillows and they'll sometimes leave some pillows for other pillows and that should be okay, right? Leaving pillows shouldn't be a bad thing? If your comfort needs it, you should hold whichever pillow you need, right? Well... what happens when you can't find any pillows to hug? What happens when you tossed away all your pillows off your bed? 
I guess you just sleep with the cushions. I guess that's what life is, to sum it all up. A bed. It could either be your pillow filled comfy bed or your deathbed (pun intended). 

I'm having a hard time figuring out why I prefer sleeping without pillows. Why do I enjoy pushing people away and just being normal with everyone? The second I feel like I could possibly be getting too close, I freak. I do have good reason to, but it shouldn't happen so abruptly and frequently. Or maybe it should? I spend too much time analyzing all the mistakes I've ever done and praying to God that I don't make anymore, but then some random person pops up and says "You learn from the mistakes you make". But I don't want to learn these lessons I keep being forced to learn. However, my main question is, "Can I get back a pillow I threw away once upon a time, for reasons I know and the pillow doesn't?" and if the answer is no, then shit. But if the answer is yes, and I actually can get back the pillow in the future, then I'd gain back faith in humanity. 

I'll never get too close to anymore pillows. I know I said that last year, but I'm serious now. I can't keep pretending like I can handle too many pillows because I can't. I can, after all, only rest my head on one. That pillow I rest my head on will always be myself. At the end of the day, you always have to believe in yourself and love yourself and, if possible, hug yourself the way you would your pillow. You shouldn't let anyone get in your way and stop you from kicking ass. Everyone has a purpose. If things went wrong with one pillow, it doesn't mean you have to spend nights without sleep. It's hard to move on. Sometimes, I wonder if I can just sleep on a goddamn sofa, but then I remember sofas have pillows too, and that's another metaphor altogether. Sometimes I just want to pause everything, rewind back to when my bed was smaller and pillows were less. I just miss not having to get too close and disappoint my pillows. I never wanted to disappoint or make the pillows feel like it's their fault I don't hug them. It's something I have to deal with, it's something I go through on a daily basis- the lingering thought that if I hug a pillow for too long, it'll warm up to me and I'll disappoint them with my fears of getting too close. 

Gosh how I pity my owls for having to hear me go on and on about pillows and the most futile metaphor on earth. 
Now, I guess, I'll just sleep without bothering which pillows I held. I'll sleep to sleep and wake up to live and go on with everything and battle the things that hit me and believe that everything happens for a reason and each pillow does eventually come back if it were meant to. Most importantly, kick ass. I'll do my best and smile. Even though somethings are painful and I feel hopeless, I'll smile because I was told a smile looked good on me. 

Until next time, 

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