Friday, 1 August 2014

Dear Owls, Blog Update.

Dear Owls, 

I am seriously grateful to anyone and everyone who follows, reads or goes through my blog. I've recently had 1500 views and counting and I'm just flabbergasted. Thank you for either your continues or temporary support in helping me become the blogger I am today. 
I've recently made minor edits to how the website looks and I know it's not that big of a deal, but trust me when I say it feels like the world shifted slightly. I'm so used to seeing my blog a certain way and now that it's a bit different, it feels like a pair of new shoes wanting to be worn. 

I've made before and after pictures because I'm awesome like that. 

Here's the before shot: 

And please don't laugh at me when you see the After shot because there isn't much of a difference. 
Look, I know. I know it's minor, but it's a big deal! 
Anyway, here it is (all I did was switch the colors and the font- I know I'm an idiot)

Anyways, mock me if you must, I don't like change that much. I've recently started to shift minor things, change certain stuff, but an abrupt change? I've had that a couple of times and I did not like it one bit. When you start liking something a certain way, you start depending on it. You start to believe that because that thing hasn't changed yet, it never will. And that, the essence of feeling the need to "depend" on things, is toxic. Never depend on anything but yourself. Or maybe that's just advice best kept to myself. I just believe that I should rely on myself most, but maybe that's just because of the long proximity I keep from others- being careful not to tread too close to anyone's comfort zone. 

To me, comfort zones are a "no go" zone. The feeling you happen to get from someone, a comfort, might seem good for you at first but it's not. Maybe this kind of thinking is bad and it'll never get me anywhere, but I've had too many chances to not mess things up with friends and I never got it right. I will never get it right. I feel like somethings are best kept for other people and just not for me. 

I know it sounds selfish to say that I'm not someone you can rely on, but I'm not. I had to learn that the hard way. I can pretend I am for a very short period of time, but sooner more than later, my flesh will peal and my true habits will come out. I'm not someone who will "come when the time is right from me", rather someone who will come when the time is right in general. I know it sounds lonely, and sometimes it is, but I can't expect anyone to be there simply when I feel like I need them- that's not right.  It's not right to have someone there when I can be there for them too emotionally. I'm either all in or nothing; so naturally I choose nothing. It makes it easier for me to avoid getting people to hate me, and that's always better. 

If I would give anyone advice, it would probably to not be like me. Never be someone who can't handle commitment or being there for someone because you emotionally can't. But then of course, I can't give that advice can I? Because that's not something anyone can control- I should know. Although I truly wish it was.
For whatever reason, you should always find out how much you can handle from people and know if you are capable of dealing with pressure like that (post-notice: if you find it "pressure" to have to "handle" friendships, then you're probably exactly like me). You may have had a relationship or friendship that made you feel like you're always going to betray them or disappear one day and the person who you were with, probably was the only person who you got close enough to tell those things to, maybe thought that it's their fault because you always thought of leaving them. What they presumably never understood is you want to leave everything, not just them. Just because my way was to escape, doesn't mean yours is too. If I'm honest, I doubt this ever changes in time. I think all you have to do is believe that one day you'll accept that you're not the kind of person who can always be there for everyone, that you're the type of person that always disappears eventually. Like, I said, it can be very lonely and distant, especially when you need someone to stand by you. In my times of trouble, now, I just shut myself out because it's not right to run to someone only when I need them. 
I know it might actually be an amazing feeling to always have someone to run to, and maybe you're the type of person who's okay with personal closeness and that's a great thing. It's not bad to be comfortable being comfortable. But it's, as mentioned, not for everyone.

It's funny because this was never a problem until I found out it was. I never even knew I felt this way until I began to ask myself certain questions. Ones I still don't wish to share to the public because I doubt I can explain them properly just yet. If you feel the same way too, I'm glad I'm not alone. If you have no clue about what I'm talking about... good for you mate; saved yourself a lot of trouble. 

I'm sorry about sounding a bit (a lot) weird, but it was just a thought on mind. A lot of thoughts on mind, as a matter of fact. You wanna know the worst part about this annoying "don't get too close" disease? 
No body knows how lonely you get sometimes, because no one is close enough to know. 
But it's not always lonely and sad. It's just a personal preference, a fear that I might eventually cause someone to need me there. It is an actual fear. 
And that is the worst part. 
The illogical fear that no one will ever comprehend. 

Yours always, 

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