Dear Owls, decisions.

Dear owls, 

Picture this: You could have everything you've ever wanted since you were 9 years old. You could have the happiness that you've been trying to chase after ever since you've seen it in someone else's eyes. You could have the perfect "Happy Ending", but you could only have it for a day. Would you go for it? 

I've lost a lot of people in my life. I know I'm not as old as the average Joe, but I know a few things about people. I know that sometimes, you need to listen to your heart. But what exactly does that mean? I hate when someone tells me, "No, don't listen to your brain, listen to what your heart tells you to do and trust me you won't regret your choice" 

Sure, it's a great story to tell your kids, but what exactly does it mean? Because if it means that I shouldn't base my decisions on thoughts and rather on feelings, then that's probably the worst advice I've ever heard. 

These days, I'm so afraid of laughing because it seems that every time I laugh, there's a storm behind it. I'm probably not making any sense, and I'll probably delete this post the next time I read it. Let's just say I feel like there are so many things I'm reconsidering about my life and everything around me, and most things just don't seem to add up anymore. 

To answer that question for myself... No. Happiness for one day means that there's a deadline and I never worked well with deadlines. 

If I'm going to be happy, even for a little while, I wouldn't want a storm afterwards. 

Dear Owls, change.

Dear Owls, 

Writers block hits me again, and I think I'm going to cry if this happens once more. If any other writer out there wants the cure to writers block, I'm here to tell you, there isn't one. Well, there is if you involve these things that snap me right back; 

1. Warm green tea with a candle lit room. 
2. Quiet, quiet and absolute quiet. 
3. Something to write about. (shocker?) 

So where am I now in life? 

Well, owls, I've started university. Contrary to what people tell you, and what people are feeling right now... it's really just so sudden. It's scary and weird, but the hardest part really is fitting in and finding friends. Once you've done that, studies aren't that tough and everyone is so easy on you; which is part of the things I don't like. 

I guess part of me just liked school. Part of me liked the format of routine and knowing what you'll be doing next. In university, it's like no one really cares what you're going to do next, especially between classes- if you're in uni, you're just there. And maybe that's why half the time I find myself doing nothing at all. 

There are assignments and projects and all things like that, but I hate that I don't find the motivation to do any of that stuff because I don't have a set time to do it. When you come back from school, you do whatever you want, then you finish your homework, then you finish your projects, then you get your stuff ready, then you pretend you're acing everything. 

In university, you just aren't expected to do anything. 

I'm starting to think maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way? I mean, maybe because you're not really obliged to do anything, you still have a choice to do those things? Hey- maybe this is a good time for me to focus on my work and on my writing and stories and whatnot. Hey maybe- just maybe- I could actually write in my blog more often! W-hey, I could work on my newsletter! 

Or. I'll do what I do best and do nothing. 

I'm kidding. Once I get everything together, I will really try to work on myself. See what I like to do best in my free time and do it. Because right now, apart from watching Friends, I've been doing absolutely zilch. 

I hope I find a cool club in the uni too. I also want to work, do something productive with my spare time, you know?

Well, until next time, 

Me. 

Get motivated

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Dear Owls, tough.

Dear Owls, 

Why does it always have to be a struggle? Why does life have to toss us lemons? Why can't everything just be easy? Why can't lemonade just be thrown at me?

I guess all you had an answer to my question already. 

I think deep down, us humans like struggle, we anticipate it on our morning walk. We wait for the coffee to spill on our shirt. We want problems to happen. We love when the tough gets worse because only when things get really bad, do we know the people we really are. You don’t become “Mr. Angry Pants” until someone calls you that after a fight. You didn't meet the pretty girl on the way to work if you didn't bump into her, spilling coffee on your shirt and letting her offer you another one. I think, subconsciously, us humans know that it is only within our complications do we find unexpected happiness, and that makes us get through the pain faster, almost letting the problem fix itself. It’s a very powerful technique, and you aren't born with it or raised to think it; it just happens. By the billionth time you've been disappointed, by the billionth and first time you’re just thinking, “You know what, screw it!”… And that’s when you've found the true beauty of problems.

It’s not called giving up by the very least; it’s more like giving in. You give in to the situation because you choose not to run away from it. You choose to go by the “I don’t care what happens next” method, because in reality, you have no control of what happens next, you only control what happens last and how you choose to deal with everything.

I guess I’m just finding it hard to understand that even though I feel horrible at times, I just have to believe that somewhere out there, I’ll be a better person. Then again, I could become a total ass, and I decide which direction I want to take. I could decide whatever goes next- and that terrifies me. What if I go wrong somewhere along the way? What if I already went wrong?

Well, until I find the right and wrong on another messed up Friday,

Yours always,

Me.

Dear Owls, I'm back!

Dear Owls, 

I have missed coming here for refuge. Unfortunately, I think I've lost a lot of readers because of my hiatus. But I had to leave for a little while. If no one noticed, that's super, if you did then I'm terribly sorry. I was actually fixing up a lot of things on the page. Here are the things I fixed, which I'd love if you'd keep your eye out for them. 

About me section:

I now have a whole section about myself- as egotistic as it seems. It's on the right hand side of my blog, and it covers the minor details about myself. Not too much though, don't wanna get crazy. In addition to the about-me-section, I've also added my email on the left hand side of blog for anyone looking into emailing me any time you feel like it. Some feedback on the page would mean the world. 

Follow me section: 

This is one I've added a very long time ago but hid it somewhere below the blog for some idiotic reason. It's basically a follow button to the blog so you don't lose it in the future. 

Woohoo! 

Weekly Newsletter!! 

Now this is the upgrade I am most excited about! It took me a whole day and night to get it to work because of lagging and copyright issues, la di da dum, but it worked! 

It's on the top of the right side of the blog under the heading "Subscribe below" 

Basically, it's access to my weekly newsletter which you can easily subscribe to for an email every Saturday night on random topics every time, advice and much more! I might even give away organisation printouts that you'd find very useful to have around, in addition to weekly quotes and- gah I'm so excited! 

All you have to do is click on the "Subscribe below" link and put in your email, and confirm your subscription and voila! You'll get a weekly dose of owl for the rest of your living life. 

And, don't worry, if you get bored you can unsubscribe anytime. 

Here's a link if you're lazy: Click Here.

Anyways, I hope you're as fond of the newbies as I am. 

Until next time, 

Me. 

Dear Owls, It's simple.

Dear Owls, 

Everything erupts at the same time. 

Suddenly, your chest feels like it's hallow. It feels like, if you sneezed, every bit of patience you have to not take your own life, will just fly out. When everything goes wrong at the same time, you just bite onto the one comfort that everything gets better. You bite so hard, your lip bleeds and your stomach empties, you still have hope though. But, the thing is... when everything erupts, you don't want to hold anymore. You just want to jump and fight and fall, just fall to the ground and never get back up. Your tears get heavier and your heart gets so soft. Vulnerable and confused, you start to beat at the wind, and cry at the storms and plead the only God you know to reconsider the fate you've set your foot on.  And every time you get over the eruption, you make sure next time you've taken precautions. Next time it won't hurt this much. So, you do like they do in the movies. You grab a metaphorical backpack and put everything you need for next time.

And God knows you've set out a backup plan, an escape plan, and you've put pads on your heart so the bullets don't damage you, you've put an oxygen tank for the next time your lungs concave, you even have a spare sock in case one goes missing; because anything can set you off when things erupt, especially a missing sock. You've put things in the backpack you didn't even know you needed. You put things that make you seem paranoid and helpless, but they're vital to keep. They're vital to keep because next time you're gonna be prepared, no matter how it looks. You're not going to feel what you felt the first time.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
And so you zip your backpack up and make sure your feet don't wobble as you get up. You make sure to tie your hair out of your face and your emotions, and the most important thing to do when you pack your life up, the most vital thing to do before you pack your survival backpack, before you make a checklist of everything you need, before everything, the most crucial thing to do is make sure no one sees you packing your bag. 

You have to ensure full confidentiality of anything you put inside. No one must know you're even packing a bag, because is it human nature to be curious, it is human to want to know other human's weaknesses because one day, they'll use it all against you. 

It might sound lonely, to be the only one that knows what brings you down on your knees, but it's also less dangerous. 

But you want to know what's the worst thing about everything erupting at the same time? 

...everybody runs away from eruptions. 

Nobody is going to be there for you when things erupt. Or ever after. They might pretend, or show you the sympathy they think you need, but no one will actually be there for you. And even if they are, will you really find it in you to let them in? 

I wouldn't. 

Dear Owls, it's a process. It's a learning process. It's right or wrong. It's yes or no. It's the feeling you get on your way to your school bus, hoping you wouldn't fall down when the bus moves. If you fall, everyone laughs, there's no getting around the humiliation. It's a sad world we live in. Pleasing others rather than pleasing yourself. Loving the life you live, rather than living the life you love. 

It all comes down to choices. Whether you run from the eruption or you save the people who need to run further. Whether you pack your bag and take all the precautions you need, or just live life. 

Just live like nothing could hurt you. Because either way, whether you've got a backpack or not, you're still going to be hurt by something unexpected, something you're not prepared for, something you never knew could hurt you in an eruption- like a bee sting perhaps. 

Nothing is worse than being stung by a bee when you're running from an erupting volcano. 

Well, Owls, I'm trying. 

I'm starting to think I'm becoming insane. One second I'm fine, and the next I'm in tears. It actually, as mentioned, has gotten worse. I'm hurting people around me more often, and I have a feeling they're finding it harder to forgive me. 

Yours with a snack getting read to watch Dead Poets Society, 

still subtly grieving for Robbin Williams, 

Me. 

Dear Owls, summer lists.

Dear Owls, 

There is no right and wrong in any situation, there is only what happens in the end. 

If something happened in the past, then I guess you should just accept is as another event to jot down in your life. Never spend your time blaming yourself or others. 

And oh how I wish I could take my own advice.

I have made a list of all the things I want to do before summer ends. I don't want to mop about the house and pretend I don't have a life, because I do. From the hours of 10pm to 3am, I've got the time to myself. Apart from reading a book, and blogging (of course), I've decided to focus on story writing too. Also, I've also decided to go swimming, finally, after all these years I've stopped. We've got a swimming pool on the 2nd floor of our building, and it's got a wonderful atmosphere to it. Plus, they always say "put your sadness in sport"- so I guess that's what I'm going to do. Not that I'm sad or anything. I've just got a lot going on in my head that I need to keep out of the way. Or maybe process more clearly. Right now, all I know is, I'm a mess. I need to shape things up before Uni starts because I am not going with a preoccupied mind. 

I've also decided I'll watch a lot of Ellen DeGeneres because she cures my heart. I can't help but laugh at least once during her show; it's like chicken soup for my tears. I've also bought a Journal, and that's where I'm going to put all my cinema tickets, receipts, tissue from places I've been to and write a tiny note under it saying who it is I went with and how it was. I figured instead of just dumping everything in my treasure box (aka; the box I put all the things that remind me of amazing times (cinema tickets, bday invites, an old glove, etc...) and people) I'll just tape them in this Journal. I'll post a photo of how adorable it is later because procrastination is my bling thing. 

For now I guess I'm just gonna try and be as positive as possible. If there's anything I feel I got out of today, it's that the 'negative me' wasn't doing anyone any good. I just wish I'd focused on that sooner. 

Well my owls, I guess this is it. 

Also, if you could go back in time and tell the past me not to buy the liquid eyeliner by Rimmel London that'll be great thanks. Such a waste of money, I could have bought something I can actually use. This eyeliner is so easy to put on, but it slips like a bitch on a banana peal. 

I guess it's true what they say about easy things. 

"If it's easy, it won't be worth it and if it's worth it, it won't come easy"

Until next time, 

Hoe hoe hoe, and a silly summer. -the sequel.