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Dear Owls, tough.

Dear Owls, 

Why does it always have to be a struggle? Why does life have to toss us lemons? Why can't everything just be easy? Why can't lemonade just be thrown at me?

I guess all you had an answer to my question already. 

I think deep down, us humans like struggle, we anticipate it on our morning walk. We wait for the coffee to spill on our shirt. We want problems to happen. We love when the tough gets worse because only when things get really bad, do we know the people we really are. You don’t become “Mr. Angry Pants” until someone calls you that after a fight. You didn't meet the pretty girl on the way to work if you didn't bump into her, spilling coffee on your shirt and letting her offer you another one. I think, subconsciously, us humans know that it is only within our complications do we find unexpected happiness, and that makes us get through the pain faster, almost letting the problem fix itself. It’s a very powerful technique, and you aren't born with it or raised to think it; it just happens. By the billionth time you've been disappointed, by the billionth and first time you’re just thinking, “You know what, screw it!”… And that’s when you've found the true beauty of problems.

It’s not called giving up by the very least; it’s more like giving in. You give in to the situation because you choose not to run away from it. You choose to go by the “I don’t care what happens next” method, because in reality, you have no control of what happens next, you only control what happens last and how you choose to deal with everything.

I guess I’m just finding it hard to understand that even though I feel horrible at times, I just have to believe that somewhere out there, I’ll be a better person. Then again, I could become a total ass, and I decide which direction I want to take. I could decide whatever goes next- and that terrifies me. What if I go wrong somewhere along the way? What if I already went wrong?

Well, until I find the right and wrong on another messed up Friday,

Yours always,

Me.

Dear Owls, I'm back!

Dear Owls, 

I have missed coming here for refuge. Unfortunately, I think I've lost a lot of readers because of my hiatus. But I had to leave for a little while. If no one noticed, that's super, if you did then I'm terribly sorry. I was actually fixing up a lot of things on the page. Here are the things I fixed, which I'd love if you'd keep your eye out for them. 

About me section:

I now have a whole section about myself- as egotistic as it seems. It's on the right hand side of my blog, and it covers the minor details about myself. Not too much though, don't wanna get crazy. In addition to the about-me-section, I've also added my email on the left hand side of blog for anyone looking into emailing me any time you feel like it. Some feedback on the page would mean the world. 

Follow me section: 

This is one I've added a very long time ago but hid it somewhere below the blog for some idiotic reason. It's basically a follow button to the blog so you don't lose it in the future. 

Woohoo! 

Weekly Newsletter!! 

Now this is the upgrade I am most excited about! It took me a whole day and night to get it to work because of lagging and copyright issues, la di da dum, but it worked! 

It's on the top of the right side of the blog under the heading "Subscribe below" 

Basically, it's access to my weekly newsletter which you can easily subscribe to for an email every Saturday night on random topics every time, advice and much more! I might even give away organisation printouts that you'd find very useful to have around, in addition to weekly quotes and- gah I'm so excited! 

All you have to do is click on the "Subscribe below" link and put in your email, and confirm your subscription and voila! You'll get a weekly dose of owl for the rest of your living life. 

And, don't worry, if you get bored you can unsubscribe anytime. 

Here's a link if you're lazy: Click Here.

Anyways, I hope you're as fond of the newbies as I am. 

Until next time, 

Me. 

Dear Owls, It's simple.

Dear Owls, 

Everything erupts at the same time. 

Suddenly, your chest feels like it's hallow. It feels like, if you sneezed, every bit of patience you have to not take your own life, will just fly out. When everything goes wrong at the same time, you just bite onto the one comfort that everything gets better. You bite so hard, your lip bleeds and your stomach empties, you still have hope though. But, the thing is... when everything erupts, you don't want to hold anymore. You just want to jump and fight and fall, just fall to the ground and never get back up. Your tears get heavier and your heart gets so soft. Vulnerable and confused, you start to beat at the wind, and cry at the storms and plead the only God you know to reconsider the fate you've set your foot on.  And every time you get over the eruption, you make sure next time you've taken precautions. Next time it won't hurt this much. So, you do like they do in the movies. You grab a metaphorical backpack and put everything you need for next time.

And God knows you've set out a backup plan, an escape plan, and you've put pads on your heart so the bullets don't damage you, you've put an oxygen tank for the next time your lungs concave, you even have a spare sock in case one goes missing; because anything can set you off when things erupt, especially a missing sock. You've put things in the backpack you didn't even know you needed. You put things that make you seem paranoid and helpless, but they're vital to keep. They're vital to keep because next time you're gonna be prepared, no matter how it looks. You're not going to feel what you felt the first time.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
And so you zip your backpack up and make sure your feet don't wobble as you get up. You make sure to tie your hair out of your face and your emotions, and the most important thing to do when you pack your life up, the most vital thing to do before you pack your survival backpack, before you make a checklist of everything you need, before everything, the most crucial thing to do is make sure no one sees you packing your bag. 

You have to ensure full confidentiality of anything you put inside. No one must know you're even packing a bag, because is it human nature to be curious, it is human to want to know other human's weaknesses because one day, they'll use it all against you. 

It might sound lonely, to be the only one that knows what brings you down on your knees, but it's also less dangerous. 

But you want to know what's the worst thing about everything erupting at the same time? 

...everybody runs away from eruptions. 

Nobody is going to be there for you when things erupt. Or ever after. They might pretend, or show you the sympathy they think you need, but no one will actually be there for you. And even if they are, will you really find it in you to let them in? 

I wouldn't. 

Dear Owls, it's a process. It's a learning process. It's right or wrong. It's yes or no. It's the feeling you get on your way to your school bus, hoping you wouldn't fall down when the bus moves. If you fall, everyone laughs, there's no getting around the humiliation. It's a sad world we live in. Pleasing others rather than pleasing yourself. Loving the life you live, rather than living the life you love. 

It all comes down to choices. Whether you run from the eruption or you save the people who need to run further. Whether you pack your bag and take all the precautions you need, or just live life. 

Just live like nothing could hurt you. Because either way, whether you've got a backpack or not, you're still going to be hurt by something unexpected, something you're not prepared for, something you never knew could hurt you in an eruption- like a bee sting perhaps. 

Nothing is worse than being stung by a bee when you're running from an erupting volcano. 

Well, Owls, I'm trying. 

I'm starting to think I'm becoming insane. One second I'm fine, and the next I'm in tears. It actually, as mentioned, has gotten worse. I'm hurting people around me more often, and I have a feeling they're finding it harder to forgive me. 

Yours with a snack getting read to watch Dead Poets Society, 

still subtly grieving for Robbin Williams, 

Me. 

Dear Owls, summer lists.

Dear Owls, 

There is no right and wrong in any situation, there is only what happens in the end. 

If something happened in the past, then I guess you should just accept is as another event to jot down in your life. Never spend your time blaming yourself or others. 

And oh how I wish I could take my own advice.

I have made a list of all the things I want to do before summer ends. I don't want to mop about the house and pretend I don't have a life, because I do. From the hours of 10pm to 3am, I've got the time to myself. Apart from reading a book, and blogging (of course), I've decided to focus on story writing too. Also, I've also decided to go swimming, finally, after all these years I've stopped. We've got a swimming pool on the 2nd floor of our building, and it's got a wonderful atmosphere to it. Plus, they always say "put your sadness in sport"- so I guess that's what I'm going to do. Not that I'm sad or anything. I've just got a lot going on in my head that I need to keep out of the way. Or maybe process more clearly. Right now, all I know is, I'm a mess. I need to shape things up before Uni starts because I am not going with a preoccupied mind. 

I've also decided I'll watch a lot of Ellen DeGeneres because she cures my heart. I can't help but laugh at least once during her show; it's like chicken soup for my tears. I've also bought a Journal, and that's where I'm going to put all my cinema tickets, receipts, tissue from places I've been to and write a tiny note under it saying who it is I went with and how it was. I figured instead of just dumping everything in my treasure box (aka; the box I put all the things that remind me of amazing times (cinema tickets, bday invites, an old glove, etc...) and people) I'll just tape them in this Journal. I'll post a photo of how adorable it is later because procrastination is my bling thing. 

For now I guess I'm just gonna try and be as positive as possible. If there's anything I feel I got out of today, it's that the 'negative me' wasn't doing anyone any good. I just wish I'd focused on that sooner. 

Well my owls, I guess this is it. 

Also, if you could go back in time and tell the past me not to buy the liquid eyeliner by Rimmel London that'll be great thanks. Such a waste of money, I could have bought something I can actually use. This eyeliner is so easy to put on, but it slips like a bitch on a banana peal. 

I guess it's true what they say about easy things. 

"If it's easy, it won't be worth it and if it's worth it, it won't come easy"

Until next time, 

Hoe hoe hoe, and a silly summer. -the sequel.

The Girl

"She walked like her world was moving with her. It wasn't that she didn't know where she was going, rather that she knew exactly where, that scared her. The girl, like any other, had hair on her head and in other places she didn't wish to mention. She thrived to be known and loved, and like every other girl, she wanted to be cared for. She had curves on her sides, and bones on her cheeks and a heart that beat a little faster when someone called her name. She never spoke, but just you ask her about the weather last night and she'll tell you all about it. Ask her about the most boring of things, and trust me when I say she'll have an answer. She, like any other girl, wore high heals that didn't fit right and a necklace that didn't belong to her. The girl was special, don't you doubt it, but she was just as special as any other girl. 
What she never knew is that she didn't think like other girls, didn't walk like them, didn't talk like them. She never liked to gossip and she never liked to laugh too loud. She sat with her legs to her side and a book in her hand, but unlike all the other girls holding a book to impress the boy that read- she actually knew what the book in her hand was. The girl was tall, but not in height. The girl was happy, but not in heart. She could tell you all about the weather last night, even if you didn't ask. She could tell you about how the moon looked at night, how the wind blew to the east and how she never saw the clouds so white. She could tell you, but you never asked her. No one ever asks a girl about the weather. They'd rather ask her to a movie, buy her a paper ticket, popped salted corn, throw her a few compliments and tell her all about how you want her to meet your parents. 
You never asked the girl her favorite color, to which she'd reply, 'ginger'. You never asked the girl about her favorite type of music, to which she'd reply, 'anything with a good piano background'. You never asked the girl if she liked the way you looked at her from the side of the room, or the way your eyes met on the way to your soccer practice, or the way you laughed at her joke once, to which she'd reply, 'yeah, it was pretty cool'. 
You never asked her if she's insecure, because you assumed she's like all the other girls who pretend they are. You never asked her about her favorite meal, because you assumed like all other girls, she preferred a salad. You never asked her anything really, because you thought she didn't have a voice of her own. The girl spoke, she spoke loud and clear. She didn't mumble, and she didn't even like the 'f' word, and she, to this day, kept a track of how many times she's said it already. And I'm sure, if you even bothered to ask, she'd giggle and sigh '45 times,' 
She may own a skirt like all other girls, laugh like all other girls, dance around her room like all other girls, fight with her brothers like all other girls, sing like no one's watching like all other girls, scream when no one's listening like all other girls, believe that she's beautiful on the inside, watch Fashion Week on television, laugh at stupid pick up lines, tell the post man good morning on her way to school, wear socks in summer, turn the cooler up in winter, and dye her hair red because it's fun like all other girls. 

You may have met so many other girls, but how many of them can tell you about the weather last night? Probably none. But this girl can. This girl can make your heart flow like the milky way, and your eyes sparkle like stars, and your arms want to stretch out like the sun's sharp rays just so you can just a brighter look. How many girls can talk about the weather like this girl?"

Dear Owls, Blog Update.

Dear Owls, 

I am seriously grateful to anyone and everyone who follows, reads or goes through my blog. I've recently had 1500 views and counting and I'm just flabbergasted. Thank you for either your continues or temporary support in helping me become the blogger I am today. 

I've recently made minor edits to how the website looks and I know it's not that big of a deal, but trust me when I say it feels like the world shifted slightly. I'm so used to seeing my blog a certain way and now that it's a bit different, it feels like a pair of new shoes wanting to be worn. 

I've made before and after pictures because I'm awesome like that. 

Here's the before shot: 

And please don't laugh at me when you see the After shot because there isn't much of a difference. 

Look, I know. I know it's minor, but it's a big deal! 

Anyway, here it is (all I did was switch the colors and the font- I know I'm an idiot)

Anyways, mock me if you must, I don't like change that much. I've recently started to shift minor things, change certain stuff, but an abrupt change? I've had that a couple of times and I did not like it one bit. When you start liking something a certain way, you start depending on it. You start to believe that because that thing hasn't changed yet, it never will. And that, the essence of feeling the need to "depend" on things, is toxic. Never depend on anything but yourself. Or maybe that's just advice best kept to myself. I just believe that I should rely on myself most, but maybe that's just because of the long proximity I keep from others- being careful not to tread too close to anyone's comfort zone. 

To me, comfort zones are a "no go" zone. The feeling you happen to get from someone, a comfort, might seem good for you at first but it's not. Maybe this kind of thinking is bad and it'll never get me anywhere, but I've had too many chances to not mess things up with friends and I never got it right. I will never get it right. I feel like somethings are best kept for other people and just not for me. 

I know it sounds selfish to say that I'm not someone you can rely on, but I'm not. I had to learn that the hard way. I can pretend I am for a very short period of time, but sooner more than later, my flesh will peal and my true habits will come out. I'm not someone who will "come when the time is right from me", rather someone who will come when the time is right in general. I know it sounds lonely, and sometimes it is, but I can't expect anyone to be there simply when I feel like I need them- that's not right.  It's not right to have someone there when I can be there for them too emotionally. I'm either all in or nothing; so naturally I choose nothing. It makes it easier for me to avoid getting people to hate me, and that's always better. 

If I would give anyone advice, it would probably to not be like me. Never be someone who can't handle commitment or being there for someone because you emotionally can't. But then of course, I can't give that advice can I? Because that's not something anyone can control- I should know. Although I truly wish it was.

For whatever reason, you should always find out how much you can handle from people and know if you are capable of dealing with pressure like that (post-notice: if you find it "pressure" to have to "handle" friendships, then you're probably exactly like me). You may have had a relationship or friendship that made you feel like you're always going to betray them or disappear one day and the person who you were with, probably was the only person who you got close enough to tell those things to, maybe thought that it's their fault because you always thought of leaving them. What they presumably never understood is you want to leave everything, not just them. Just because my way was to escape, doesn't mean yours is too. If I'm honest, I doubt this ever changes in time. I think all you have to do is believe that one day you'll accept that you're not the kind of person who can always be there for everyone, that you're the type of person that always disappears eventually. Like, I said, it can be very lonely and distant, especially when you need someone to stand by you. In my times of trouble, now, I just shut myself out because it's not right to run to someone only when I need them. 

I know it might actually be an amazing feeling to always have someone to run to, and maybe you're the type of person who's okay with personal closeness and that's a great thing. It's not bad to be comfortable being comfortable. But it's, as mentioned, not for everyone.

It's funny because this was never a problem until I found out it was. I never even knew I felt this way until I began to ask myself certain questions. Ones I still don't wish to share to the public because I doubt I can explain them properly just yet. If you feel the same way too, I'm glad I'm not alone. If you have no clue about what I'm talking about... good for you mate; saved yourself a lot of trouble. 

I'm sorry about sounding a bit (a lot) weird, but it was just a thought on mind. A lot of thoughts on mind, as a matter of fact. You wanna know the worst part about this annoying "don't get too close" disease? 

No body knows how lonely you get sometimes, because no one is close enough to know. 

But it's not always lonely and sad. It's just a personal preference, a fear that I might eventually cause someone to need me there. It is an actual fear. 

And that is the worst part. 

The illogical fear that no one will ever comprehend. 

Yours always, 

Me.