Cruel kill || Short Poem

Killing her was the easy part.
Shoving her into the back
Of my mind so her screams
Do not wake my demons up.

My fingertips draped her eyes shut,
my body shivered to the touch
Of flesh fresh cut cold to it's core
The inside of my nails still red.

Killing her was the easy part.
The challenge now lies in killing myself.

The Same Me || Poem

I'm still the same person,
Just more afraid of screaming the truth.

I still want the same things,
Just yearning them with a stolen youth.

I still sing with the birds,
Just with a different tempo now.

I still dance with the gravity,
Ending all my solos with a bow.

What has happened to my lips?
It's like you sucked the courage through them.

What has become of my legs?
They seem to march with another bass drum.

I'm still the same me,
I tell myself over and over.

Hoping subconsciously,
My silent brain will takeover.

My nails claw at my chest,
They want something in me to yell.

Because the scent of defeat is sickening,
And the same me can't handle the smell.

I'm still the girl in the park,
The one that left you star gazed.

I'm the friend you thought you had,
The child your mom wished she had raised.

The women with a bark,
With a silence that blinds a nation.

The same me that shot you before,
I was and still am my salvation.

I bite my way down to the core,
Find freedom through good vibrations.

I always knew you never spoke kindness,
It's okay if you're stuck in translation.

Limits || Poem

Did I offend you?
When I told you too much of the truth?
When I spoke the words that you
Never wanted to hear?

Did I offend you?
Did I bring in every single memory
You wanted to push out
Of your skull?

Did I offend you?
Did I breathe too much
Of the air you tried to hide?
Was I supposed to smile at the suffocation?

Did I offend you?
Have I upset your Gods?
Have I created a tsunami in the galaxy?
Did I make angels cry?

I don't care.

I'm far too tired of hiding.
You ripped away
layers of me,
I needed to stay sane.

I'm tired of stitching back pieces,
With needles too painful
To muster.
Stop containing a supernova.

I'm far too unapologetic,
Far too loud,
Far too bright,
To be clustered in your
Limitations.

Sometimes when you push
And you break
And you knock
On someone's breaking point.

They say something as reckless as:

I don't care.

Dear Owls, the crying sky.

Dear Owls, 

It is dark and the moon is turning away from me. It seems I have upset the universe. 

The sky is crying and I cannot reach it to wipe it's tears. I am so sorry, little baby. I cannot save you from the world. I want to, but I can't. 

The stars are gone and the earth has another way of lighting itself up; fires in every corner, explosions on the next, is this my way of coping with it? A writer, too busy with words. What will my words really heal? What will my poems really patch?

The sun does not wish to speak to me either, the moon has bitched about me again. I cannot fathom the pain, I cannot suppress the anger. What do you expect me to do about it? How do you expect me to apologize? Even if I gather all the ladders of the world, how do you want me to reach you? You're too far up, and I've fallen too deep down. 

You tell me I'm selfish. that I can but I just don't want to. You tell me you're going to tell God all about the ugly things I did. Tell him. He's going to find out from one of us anyway. I'm sorry little baby, there is nothing I can do about it but write. As I write, I bleed. As I bleed, I shed old skin. I become newer versions of the new me. Why don't you look at me? Am I too unfamiliar? Is that supposed to bother me? Why doesn't it?

I want to save the souls in need. I want to jump mountains. I want to howl with the wolves. I want to kill the bad guy. I want to show you why I ran away, you never believed me when I told you. I want to rescue the universe, but what good can I do if I can't even wipe tears of a sky I made cry in the first place? Is this what it means to have your head in the clouds? With all your winds of rage, I guess I gave airhead a whole new meaning... 

Love, 

me.

A blog entry || spontaneous

Short letters written in diaries of different people at different times.

[A soldier during WWI]

Time is dancing.
Everybody pretends to know the moves.
This race is just digging themselves deeper into the dirt.
All hope is lost, I cannot see these people succeed at anything.

[A teacher during 1992]

Time is dancing.
My students sing to the music.
They tell me about their dreams.
They lift my spirits and I see hope of future.

[A murderer during 1995]

Time is dancing.
It is slipping through my finger tips.
I need another plan to kill my wife.
She has slept with another man; my brother.

[A gardener during 1998]

Time is dancing.
Soon my family will taste melodies.
I will feed them what I feed my boss.
Only a few more days and I'm free; Time is everything.

[A firefighter during 2001]

Time is dancing.
Children are screaming and I cannot help them.
We think we are progressing but we cannot even stop a fire.
All hope is lost, I cannot see these people succeed at anything.

Cut.

It is only those who save the world, that notice that there is nothing anyone can do to actually save the people from themselves. This world is lacking kindness. It is lacking honesty. It is lacking bravery. It is lacking the emotions that were given to us to free ourselves from our demons.
Instead we lose the battle.

We want to prove a point.
We want to free the girl; then kiss the girl; then kill the girl.
We want to show the world that we are victims.
That we are Gods.
But we are humans.
And humans can love, but they choose to loathe.
And that is the only thing keeping us away from true victory.

I do not cry often, but lately I cry for the boy that lost his toy.
I cry for the girl that lost her friends. And her self esteem.
I cry for the thousands of people who choose to live hungry than die defeated.
I cry for the ones with so much money they do not know where to put it; I know a few places.

I do not cry often.
But lately, my tears are all I have to offer.

I love the world and everything it has to offer.
I'm smarter than I was before because I know when to stop letting burdens get me down.
But in my moments of weakness I catch myself loving the world too much; loving humans too much.
And even though I say I cannot stand them, sometimes it seems I cannot stand without them.

Happy New Year,
To everyone who's writing a new chapter,
a new book.
May you never lose your bookmark.

Me.

Dear owls, the lack of kindness.

Dear Owls, 

My mind has blurred out a lot from this world. With each thing that I see in the real world, through real life experiences or news article/ update, it just brings to closer to the conclusion that some people just shouldn't be alive. It's a scary thought to think that someone with the same organs as you wants to do harm to others. It's also a disgusting reality. 

We learn from a young age not to trust strangers, but we disregard the fact that the people who know you best are probably the ones that end up hurting you in the end. So, what if all those people being hurt by others are actually hurt by people they knew? Regardless of who is causing terror across the world, it's still happening. People sometimes, I believe, stray from the ultimate reason they were put on this planet- funny how it has nothing to do with hurting others. 

If you don't want to believe in the afterlife, you might at least want to believe in karma. The famous old, "What goes around comes around". The perfect example to this is a yawn. If you yawn, someone else will probably yawn too. You probably yawned at this sentence because you imagined someone yawning... and so the cycle continues. (or you yawned now) 

Yawning is very much life doing bad to others. If you hit someone, someone will probably hit you back eventually in life. If you did something evil to someone, someone might actually do the same evil to you or maybe to your children in the future. 

But of course, this generation only cares about now. It is a generation of trends not footprints. They don't care if they leave a mark in the road at the end of the day, they just want to insure they've been paying attention to the next best thing. 

The world is changing. And not to the better. Regardless of what you probably see on the infamous media platforms, you need to start framing your own opinions about what's going on around the world. You can't rely on someone else to tell you what you should think. One day you might regret making the mistake of leaving your voice in the hands of those who cannot speak kindness. 

With all my best, 

me. 

Dear Owls, God.

Dear Owls, 

I don't talk about God much on my blog and it's not because he's not an important part in my life, but because his value in my life is so great that I don't really know what to say. I believe that God has and will always be there for me no matter what situation I am put into. And this reminder keeps the monsters under the bed, keeps the dirtiest secrets clean and keeps my mind at bay.

See, what I love most about God is his presence, his stand with me. Some people don't know God like I do, and that's rather sad. I know him. I truly got to know him every time he has been with me throughout all my battles. In my times of desperation, I pray to him and everything is instantly better, at least in my mind. I know from the teachings of God that forgiveness and letting go are the most important things in life. 

"This life was designed to break your heart"

Putting your life in the hands of humans is pathetic, and most people do it. God knows I did it. If you were made weak, how could you expect other people to depend on you? You're allowed to screw up. You're allowed to look back at your life and see a few messed up days. To err is human, to punish is the monstrosity. If someone has made a mistake, God has trusted me with the responsibility that I will forgive and forget. After all, when you are under the ground, naked and bare with no one to talk to but your angels, what will you say? Will you tell them how you spent your days on earth gossiping, fighting, swearing, complaining and making life harder on yourself? 

See, life wasn't made to be easy. God put us through things that will eventually teach us a lesson. When I was younger, I would blame everything on everyone else, telling all my friends that my life sucked because of so and so factors. Growing up, I realized that was bull. Blaming people gets you nowhere and it's the most chicken thing I ever did. Fessing up, seeing that you're in control of your mistakes and past... that's what got my engines turning. I stopped living for others and started living for God. I started living for my rewards later on, and even if there are some who speculate the afterlife- at least do people a favor and live a good life for your own health. 

It's been proven that people who keep things in their heart have unhealthy minds and bodies. So, no thanks. I'd rather live knowing that I lived every single second of my breath with compassion, with love, with kindness. 

Even though mercy doesn't pay the bills, it pays the debts. Debts that you've held people accountable for, loans of promises of people gave to you that you just don't know why they don't pay back. Humans cannot be depended on. For a matter of fact, humans can't be trusted- not that I don't occasionally try to test that theory. The truth to the matter is that every body is going through something different, and it's just wrong to expect someone to prioritize your life over theirs. You need to be able to pick yourself up whenever you need to and wipe off the dust, while having a support system of course, just don't place your happiness in the hands of a human and complain about the damage done. God is greater than everything and everyone. Placing your happiness in the palms of God is the one true insurance to not getting heartbroken. 

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow, Learn as if you were to live forever" -Gandhi

Probably one of my favorite quotes ever, I love to live by these words because I can't stop learning. I doubt I will ever retire from my ever longing search to learn. Google is my bestfriend. Books are my right hand. Even the movies and shows I watch are the one true things that keep me going because they do teach you a lot. I think we are shaped by what we know and by what we don't; they go hand in hand. 

"Last night I lost the world and gained the universe" C JoyBell

This world is just step one. It is a test and a hard one. You don't have to believe in God. You don't even have to believe in anything and that remains a choice that you keep with you and I have nothing but respect to your choice- but I just can't say I agree. Sometimes believing in the unseen can keep you longing for more. Sometimes in your times of true confusion, you need something so great to remind you where you're going. At least that's the case with me.

 But if you want to believe in a higher power, you need to believe that losing the world is step one. Lose your need for material, your need for popularity, your craving for money, your lust for love and possession, your untamed hunger for more. You can't be happy in this world if you're running after things that were made to intrigue you. You need to seek to be comfortable, content and compassionate. Not happy. You should be happy about being comfortable but not the other way around. Being happy doesn't mean you have everything you want forever, it just means for that second in that little amount of time, you had what you needed. 

Happiness doesn't last very long. Put your comfort in things that are ever stable like, helping others, the stars, a beautiful sunset, seeing another human smiling. 

Be humble and stop asking people to give you what you need to seek alone. The quest for true purpose is hard, it's confusion and time consuming. However, it resonates to these few things; learn, laugh and love. But always work hard, without compromising these three things. 

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.” - Erma Bombeck

Seek the things you want most in life, gain friendships and lose them if you need to, the same goes with money. Don't be afraid to lose the money you gained. Don't be hesitant to call an old friend. Don't underestimate a simple wave to your neighbor. 

Don't sleep on the things God gave you. 

Don't count sheep, while others count blessings. 

Everything that God has put in your life is written to be there. It didn't magically land on your plate. Every grain of rice is a blessing from God that you need to remind yourself others don't have. Don't however get mad at the fact that others don't have this blessing- let God do his own job, let him teach people whatever lessons they need to learn and cleanse their soul in whatever way needs cleansing. 

For those of you who don't believe in God and feel somehow uncomfortable, I don't apologize for this post. It's my blog and I want to believe that I am free to talk about whatever crosses my mind. If you're offended in any way by the this, you're welcome to stop checking my blog. It's really all a choice after all. 

I respect everyone's decision to believe and not believe whatever they want, however when you start stepping on someone else's ground, telling them who you think they should be and what you think they should do, that's just a bit too much. People should really start focusing on their own path and realize that we really do have a purpose in life and there really is something waiting for us at the end of this rainbow. Some rainbows shorter than others. Reassess yourself every now and then and just see if your life coincides with the one God expects of you. 

Love to everyone and safe wishes. 

My heart goes out to all those in mourning to what's happening around the world. 

Me.