Dear Owls, a house.

My fingers tap at the keyboard with nothing to say. What do I tell this universe that has taken everything from me? Am I upset about it? No. However, the fact that everything is temporary shocks me. Why is it that we cannot have our cake and eat it too? Keeping aside the science of it.

My fingers tap at the keyboard with small talk. I've been fine. Thank you. And you?

I tap and tap, hoping that somewhere between the lines, a tear will escape the keys; an indicator of lifeforms. A hint that I can still feel something. A sign that my heart still beats. My heart still pounds, like my fingers at the letters. My eyes desperate to keep along. I worry that my body has outrun itself. My brain has reached galaxies my physical form cannot. And so, I unzip my skin and walk outside this body that has brought me nothing but heartache. I walk out and fly into the dusty, cosmic milky-way. I am now one with the universe. I watch myself dance with my mistakes, with my past and with everyone I have left behind also.

Where will I find my new home?

I giggle at my own jokes and write a million books; "To the humans on the planet I will not return to, do no make the same mistakes I have made. Do not hurt yourself over things that cannot get hurt themselves - do not swim with the sharks. Do not swim, in general. Swimming is boring. To the humans on the planet I will not return to... don't forget to feed the fish."

Where will I find my new home?

Perhaps I am the home... and what I really must look for, is a house.

Dear Owls, personality test.

Dear Owls, 

One of my friends sent me a personality test and I thought it would be fun to try out. As I was answering the questions, I found that it was a lot easier answering the ones that weren't about myself. Which is funny, given as this is my personality test.

Questions like; "Would you respect other people's beliefs?"

"Would you want your child to turn out smart or kind?"

"Would you rather be honest than kind?"

Were much easier to answer than, "What do you prefer more ____ or ____?" 

Click here to take the test and let me know what personality you get!

Much love, 

Me. 

Dear owls, give up.

Dear Owls, 

Perhaps the deepest kind of pain I've ever felt was the pain of letting go of something I really wanted. Recently, the universe tests my heart and keeps showing me that the things we long for most are probably the things we shouldn't hold onto. 

If anyone feels stuck, just know that it happens to the best of us. 

I've held onto a fantasy for the longest time because I promised myself that if I found something that made me happy again, I'd try my best not to mess it up. But, even fantasies end. Even fantasies have a habit of giving up on us. The question is, when do we know to give up on them? 

The truth is, when you've finally gotten the perfect solution to the problem, you lose what you were trying to fix in the first place.

It's okay to let go this time. 

It's okay to give up. 

I'm so proud of myself for holding on for this long; I genuinely didn't know I could care this deeply for anything at all. It's refreshing to know I'm not a zombie. 

Back to ZombieLand - where humans are nothing but cheat meals. 

Yours with a new keyboard, 

me. 

Dear Owls, crumbs.

Dear Owls,

Recently, I read a blog post I wrote in 2015. True to it's title, it was a life changer - but not for the reasons I wrote it at the time. I've had a terrible writer's block and many times people ask me what gets me out of them. These random blocks that ruin your life... a lot of times I would say tea and yummy biscuits. But the truth to the end of most of my writer's blocks are me. I get myself out of my own block by reading things I've written before. Realizing that it's okay to share stories on my blog.

I'm so afraid of privacy, that I forgot some stories can be shared. It's not the end of the world for people to learn/grow from your experiences. I've got tons of stories to share; why haven't I already told them? Why do I keep all these stories in my heart? I bet you'd love to know about the time I climbed a fence to reach my university in time for my curfew. Or the time I sang under the moon in our university to a crowd of friends. I bet you'd love to hear about the places I've eaten at, or the time I drove a jet ski. The time I won at laser tag, or even that one time my dad walked in on me singing my heart out, smiled and shut the door. I bet you'd love to know all about how that smile he gave me made me feel. I've got stories about people who've hurt me, used me or loved me and let me go. I bet you'd love to know everything about the details, about how I've betrayed my own values sometimes.

It is as they say, that the devil is in the details.

But see, some stories are mine. And they will always stay mine. The curiosity will kill you, but it'll keep you wanting more. Perhaps this blog is for those who want a distraction from their own life by reading crumbs of mine. I think the biggest crumb I'll throw out there, is that I've recently had a huge self discovery. In the past 4 years of university, I was tested on my patience. How patient I am with the situations I've been put in. The truth is, owls, I didn't pass that test.

Do I regret it?

Of course not. And that's always the answer I reach; regret nothing.

However, with the end of my university journey, I must bid adieu to the person I was for a while. It's really exciting becoming someone who is this massive fire ball. Becoming this amazing, loud and wild person. But have you ever heard of the snowball effect? Breaking your limits are sort of like that. The snowball of decisions keep rolling and rolling. You barely even realize that the mistakes get bigger, until one day you just stop rolling, crawl out of the snowball and accept the fact that it's okay to be a fireball too. You were born a fireball. Because you wouldn't have gotten out of the snow without that heat inside you. It's okay to be amazingly insane. However, eventually, the real you starts to whisper in your ear... and it starts to tell you that you're not this person. This person that you had fun being, but aren't truly.

Take what you must from all your journeys. Learn what you must and appreciate all the people that have helped you grow into the person that you've transformed into. It's a beautiful thing to experience life in all it's forms. Which is why regret is never a factor you should keep in mind. The pain of losing people along the way is always what keeps you longing for a different path. At the end of the day, we mustn't dwell on what we have lost because what we have gained is far greater. It is not an easy journey, discovering who you are - congratulate yourself, some people never end up finding it. 

Dear Owls, new chapters.

Dear owls, 

Today marks the day I step into the final semester of my university. I know one day, I'll look back at this and smile. These are insane milestones. I want to make the most of this, or just enjoy it. And if shit happens, I want to take the most out of it. I'm so at peace with how life works, and I know sometimes I get super confused but at the end of the day, it's just you against the world. The rest is just external. You can't take care of the external if you can't take care of yourself.

I wonder about all the things I could've been doing had I not been panicking, and I wonder if stress does actually help me get things done. I don't want to be that person, always stressed. These days, I have've been dealing with stress super well. I did really well on my exams without giving my self acne and gaining 5,000 pounds. I'm proud. That has never happened. And you might think I'm joking, but no. I shit you not, I'd always be stressing and I thought that's who I was a person. I guess, sometimes the pressure gets to me because I know I can do better.

You see, this might sound odd, but I've spoken to the deepest parts of me. I realize how dramatic this may sound some, but to others... you get me. I've had conversations with myself. I've hated myself and loved myself and accepted that I am who I am. For a very long time, I was processing that I'm part of my own gender, part of my own age group.

Whether we like it or not, we're part of a community where you're perceived in a certain way. The trick... be something they don't expect. Always be full of surprises. Never leave them bored. The best part about being alive, is that you could still be anything you want to be. When you're dead,  that's it. People will remember everything you've left them with. When you're gone, you have no more chances. And it sucks to think about, but death truthfully doesn't scare me as much as living does. Living is a countdown; and we alllll know how I deal with countdowns and deadlines - I don't.

Reach out to your loved ones and try to meet new people. Don't forget that the best moments come with the ones you've invested your time with. Don't lose hope just because you've lost some people. And never change your values/standards for anyone. I think the saddest thing I see in people is the grudges they keep in their hearts. Our hearts, you see, are like strawberries. Put too much weight and you end up squishing them, bruising them. It's terrible to see how many people are making a terrible mess out of their organs. Learn to let things escape your soul, somethings need to leave your system; like poop.

Here's to better living,

Yours with a passion for improvement and food,

Me.

Dear Owls, counting blessings

Dear Owls, 

What a year! I wonder what happens now. At this point in my life, I've missed blogging so much. I always come back to you, this diary that keeps me sane. It is just so relaxing, talking to myself on a page that is being read by people in the United States, United Kingdom, Ireland, China, Russia, France, India, And even Peru these days! This is insane.

When I first started this blog, it was an innocent attempt at sharing my writings and feelings. Look how far we've come, I humbly thank each and every visitor. I've stopped writing because I didn't want to share the terrible times that were happening. But the truth is this blog wasn't made for just the happy times, I should be sharing both the good and the bad. In highschool, I would complain about grades and during summers I would complain about boredom. In university, it's only fair to tell you what I should've complained about. But, I won't. You've probably gone through it all. You've loved and you've lost; made some friends that hurt you, without knowing they'd ever do that to you. You've messed up a couple semesters and now you're trying to get your grade back. I'm human. It happens. 

I wish they gave a course on how to figure life out. It gets hard, it really does. I feel for anyone who's confused about how life plays out. I want to say, "I miss how things were" but I don't. Truthfully, things always change, life surprises you constantly and perhaps that's why everyone loses their track sometimes. 

I've learnt that sadness is inevitable. After a really tough experience years ago, I've developed an immune system towards sadness and I wanted to avoid it at all cost. I realize now, the most amazing growth comes with the pain. We don't see it until the dust has settled. My problem is that with the sadness, I lose focus. I've learnt the hard way that just because there's a storm outside you can't be productive under your roof - ah, metaphors. Who would I be without 'em?

How do you get through it all? Good friends, good food and working out. I shit you not, this is the only formula that's ever worked for me. Family is inevitable. You need to keep your family close, anyone really - your mother, sister or cousin. Heck, even someone who feels like family. If you feel alone, or the reason why you're sad is because you have nobody - join a community. Sometimes the most amazing feelings in the world come from the feeling of connection. 

Finally, work on yourself. When you're feeling down or when you're feeling happy. Level up your skills, whatever they may be. And forgive. Keep your heart light and your friendships simple. If you've made mistakes, apologize but don't lower your gaze. Never let anyone take away from the value you hold, no matter how much you think it'll fix the problem. Defeat is not courageous; honesty is. After you're done working on yourself, thank yourself. Don't be too hard on that little child inside of you that is still learning what it means to live. 

Take advantage of January. 

Yours with tea and biscuits, 

Me.