Dear Owls, Blog Update.

Dear Owls, 

I am seriously grateful to anyone and everyone who follows, reads or goes through my blog. I've recently had 1500 views and counting and I'm just flabbergasted. Thank you for either your continues or temporary support in helping me become the blogger I am today. 

I've recently made minor edits to how the website looks and I know it's not that big of a deal, but trust me when I say it feels like the world shifted slightly. I'm so used to seeing my blog a certain way and now that it's a bit different, it feels like a pair of new shoes wanting to be worn. 

I've made before and after pictures because I'm awesome like that. 

Here's the before shot: 

And please don't laugh at me when you see the After shot because there isn't much of a difference. 

Look, I know. I know it's minor, but it's a big deal! 

Anyway, here it is (all I did was switch the colors and the font- I know I'm an idiot)

Anyways, mock me if you must, I don't like change that much. I've recently started to shift minor things, change certain stuff, but an abrupt change? I've had that a couple of times and I did not like it one bit. When you start liking something a certain way, you start depending on it. You start to believe that because that thing hasn't changed yet, it never will. And that, the essence of feeling the need to "depend" on things, is toxic. Never depend on anything but yourself. Or maybe that's just advice best kept to myself. I just believe that I should rely on myself most, but maybe that's just because of the long proximity I keep from others- being careful not to tread too close to anyone's comfort zone. 

To me, comfort zones are a "no go" zone. The feeling you happen to get from someone, a comfort, might seem good for you at first but it's not. Maybe this kind of thinking is bad and it'll never get me anywhere, but I've had too many chances to not mess things up with friends and I never got it right. I will never get it right. I feel like somethings are best kept for other people and just not for me. 

I know it sounds selfish to say that I'm not someone you can rely on, but I'm not. I had to learn that the hard way. I can pretend I am for a very short period of time, but sooner more than later, my flesh will peal and my true habits will come out. I'm not someone who will "come when the time is right from me", rather someone who will come when the time is right in general. I know it sounds lonely, and sometimes it is, but I can't expect anyone to be there simply when I feel like I need them- that's not right.  It's not right to have someone there when I can be there for them too emotionally. I'm either all in or nothing; so naturally I choose nothing. It makes it easier for me to avoid getting people to hate me, and that's always better. 

If I would give anyone advice, it would probably to not be like me. Never be someone who can't handle commitment or being there for someone because you emotionally can't. But then of course, I can't give that advice can I? Because that's not something anyone can control- I should know. Although I truly wish it was.

For whatever reason, you should always find out how much you can handle from people and know if you are capable of dealing with pressure like that (post-notice: if you find it "pressure" to have to "handle" friendships, then you're probably exactly like me). You may have had a relationship or friendship that made you feel like you're always going to betray them or disappear one day and the person who you were with, probably was the only person who you got close enough to tell those things to, maybe thought that it's their fault because you always thought of leaving them. What they presumably never understood is you want to leave everything, not just them. Just because my way was to escape, doesn't mean yours is too. If I'm honest, I doubt this ever changes in time. I think all you have to do is believe that one day you'll accept that you're not the kind of person who can always be there for everyone, that you're the type of person that always disappears eventually. Like, I said, it can be very lonely and distant, especially when you need someone to stand by you. In my times of trouble, now, I just shut myself out because it's not right to run to someone only when I need them. 

I know it might actually be an amazing feeling to always have someone to run to, and maybe you're the type of person who's okay with personal closeness and that's a great thing. It's not bad to be comfortable being comfortable. But it's, as mentioned, not for everyone.

It's funny because this was never a problem until I found out it was. I never even knew I felt this way until I began to ask myself certain questions. Ones I still don't wish to share to the public because I doubt I can explain them properly just yet. If you feel the same way too, I'm glad I'm not alone. If you have no clue about what I'm talking about... good for you mate; saved yourself a lot of trouble. 

I'm sorry about sounding a bit (a lot) weird, but it was just a thought on mind. A lot of thoughts on mind, as a matter of fact. You wanna know the worst part about this annoying "don't get too close" disease? 

No body knows how lonely you get sometimes, because no one is close enough to know. 

But it's not always lonely and sad. It's just a personal preference, a fear that I might eventually cause someone to need me there. It is an actual fear. 

And that is the worst part. 

The illogical fear that no one will ever comprehend. 

Yours always, 

Me. 

Dear Owls, Pillows.

Dear Owls,

When I was 12, I had a total of two pillows on my bed. I didn't need more because that's literally all I needed to have a good night's sleep. Now that I'm older, I've got four pillows and a billion (actually, just four) cushions laying after my pillows. Why do I have so many pillows? I hardly ever use the extra two, and the cushions always end up on the floor. I never needed those pillows before, I never even knew when I put them. They just sort of happened, I guess. One minute I was hugging a pillow and laying on one and the next I was stuck with four.

Have I lost my mind? 

Maybe. 

Am I going to make a point out of the pillows? 

Most probably. 

The reason behind the pillows is the same reason humans make relationships. We only really need a limited number of people in our lives, they could be anyone really. Our pets, our parents, our siblings, our... bestfriends even. They could be anyone. But as we grow older, we want more pillows, we want more people to know and to love. What we don't understand is that we will never be able to love everyone on our friend-list. We will never be able to hug all our pillows. The longer you leave those pillows untouched, the more dust they'll collect, the colder they'll get. Some people like to hug cold pillows more than warm pillows and they'll sometimes leave some pillows for other pillows and that should be okay, right? Leaving pillows shouldn't be a bad thing? If your comfort needs it, you should hold whichever pillow you need, right? Well... what happens when you can't find any pillows to hug? What happens when you tossed away all your pillows off your bed? 

I guess you just sleep with the cushions. I guess that's what life is, to sum it all up. A bed. It could either be your pillow filled comfy bed or your deathbed (pun intended). 

I'm having a hard time figuring out why I prefer sleeping without pillows. Why do I enjoy pushing people away and just being normal with everyone? The second I feel like I could possibly be getting too close, I freak. I do have good reason to, but it shouldn't happen so abruptly and frequently. Or maybe it should? I spend too much time analyzing all the mistakes I've ever done and praying to God that I don't make anymore, but then some random person pops up and says "You learn from the mistakes you make". But I don't want to learn these lessons I keep being forced to learn. However, my main question is, "Can I get back a pillow I threw away once upon a time, for reasons I know and the pillow doesn't?" and if the answer is no, then shit. But if the answer is yes, and I actually can get back the pillow in the future, then I'd gain back faith in humanity. 

I'll never get too close to anymore pillows. I know I said that last year, but I'm serious now. I can't keep pretending like I can handle too many pillows because I can't. I can, after all, only rest my head on one. That pillow I rest my head on will always be myself. At the end of the day, you always have to believe in yourself and love yourself and, if possible, hug yourself the way you would your pillow. You shouldn't let anyone get in your way and stop you from kicking ass. Everyone has a purpose. If things went wrong with one pillow, it doesn't mean you have to spend nights without sleep. It's hard to move on. Sometimes, I wonder if I can just sleep on a goddamn sofa, but then I remember sofas have pillows too, and that's another metaphor altogether. Sometimes I just want to pause everything, rewind back to when my bed was smaller and pillows were less. I just miss not having to get too close and disappoint my pillows. I never wanted to disappoint or make the pillows feel like it's their fault I don't hug them. It's something I have to deal with, it's something I go through on a daily basis- the lingering thought that if I hug a pillow for too long, it'll warm up to me and I'll disappoint them with my fears of getting too close. 

Gosh how I pity my owls for having to hear me go on and on about pillows and the most futile metaphor on earth. 

Now, I guess, I'll just sleep without bothering which pillows I held. I'll sleep to sleep and wake up to live and go on with everything and battle the things that hit me and believe that everything happens for a reason and each pillow does eventually come back if it were meant to. Most importantly, kick ass. I'll do my best and smile. Even though somethings are painful and I feel hopeless, I'll smile because I was told a smile looked good on me. 

Until next time, 

Me. 

Dear Owls, at work.

Dear owls,

I find myself wondering what on earth I did to deserve the life I'm living. I mean this is the "good" questioning way and not the bad. I find myself wondering, why me? Why aren't I someone's house maid? Why aren't I someone's slave? Why was I born with the simple fortune of living under my own roof and eating food that my parents were fortunate enough to buy? I could have easily been born from a different family, or even a different household in the same family I'm in now. I could have easily been a poor indian boy in the country, or a brave Japanese girl that survived the Hiroshima attack. I could have been anyone.

Im sorry to bore you with my simple realisation, but it's been a hindering thought at the moment. The thought that I am very grateful to be a part of the life I was given. I let pass too many opportunities because I'm too lazy, too tired, too... too spoilt. I love my life. And I hope this doesnt come off as bragging, because we certainly don't have much to brag about. Compared to those above us, we have so little. Compared to those below us, we could be Gods for the riches we own. But honestly? We're just a normal family trying to get by. Middle class at some points, no class during others, upper class when we're lucky.
However we were always taught the following:

♡ You could be part of any class you want to be, as long as you work honestly and live effectively. Backbiting and backstabbing rarely gets you anywhere in the longterm.

♡ That no matter which class we came from, we must treat the lower class like they are one of us, and the upper class the same way. There is no need to hurt the lower class, or kiss up to the higher.
We are all equal.  Humans.

♡ That we shouldn't even refer to them as "classes". We were taught that the whole concept of seperating people on basis of their respective life fortunes was ludicrous. That everyone will undergo a different class at different times in their life. Classes change, but personalities stay.

Now that I got that off my chest, it brings me back to the same question I was asking my fellow owls and blog listeners; why me? It's actually pretty simple. Since classes change, situations change too. While it's good I'm asking why me, I shouldn't waste my whole time pondering. Because if I keep questioning my god blessed fortune, it might pass me by without me even noticing. By tomorrow we could have everything taken away. We could go from being The Blessed Family, to being nothing but a family. But those thoughts don't scare me, they thrill me. I love knowing that nothing stays, I love knowing that shit could go down because it keeps me on my toes and keeps me humble.

Its important to stay humble in this world. Not everyone is as blessed with things as you are, and that could change at and given second. While your luck is on your side now- or, for use of a better word, not your luck rather, your opportunities are on your side now, they could travel from you to another person who could do so much more with it than you can. Like a hive of bees that never stay in one place, opportunity passes and buzzes until it leaves with the person that did the best they can do with me. That doesn't mean you have to wait for the swarm of bees to come your way. It, as we all know, isn't that hard to anger and trigger a swarm of bees to come in your direction. All you have to do, is fight for it. Anger them enough to make them want to come to you.

Here's a picture of what I've had to look at at work for this whole month. Say adios amigos, today is my last day! Ill miss waking up early, not staying up late to watch awesome movies, not being able to sing during my morning times. Ill really miss these days... *sarcasm*
Im kidding honestly, working was great. It had it's fair share of perks, and I am grateful for getting what I've been dying to get for my entire childhood and teenagehood.

Until next time,
So long.

Dear Owls, University, Shopping and whatnot.

Dear Owls, 

Today was good. I quit my job for good and told my boss I couldn't stay because I had to give in some exams for University; which isn't all that much a lie because I do have to give in my TOEFL exam, right? She was actually very sorrowful that I was leaving and even tried to convince me to study while customers weren't around. But, enough was enough. Although I loved the gesture, I knew it wasn't always going to be this nice with her. She will eventually get mad at me for not being able to sell something and it'll get to me like it did before. If not that then the fact that I'm not being able to do anything in summer will bug me. Now I can start reading and heading to the gym when I get some alone time in the morning, I'm sure no one will miss me too much. The only thing that might be holding me back is my extreme uncontrolled absurd ridiculous and impossible need to procrastinate and postpone. I have severe laziness issues and I think the only way I'll ever live a healthy and stable teenage or adult life is if I get over myself. 

Today was also good because I tied some lose ends with my best friend. It was nice catching up, even though it was just for today. It felt good. I also met up with a friend of mine while shopping! She's doing Journalism, which is extremely, if not exactly, close to my major (Media Advertisement). Going out shopping helped me get some fresh air from all the negative energy I surrounded myself with over the past week. I'm just glad things can go back to functioning again; not like they used to, but at least everything isn't on pause. I would post images of the items I bought today- but I'm really not here to start a fashion blog. I bought another pair of sunglasses (because I'm obsessed and proud) to wear during my time in University. I'd like to state that I will actually need those glasses because I'll have to do a fair amount of walking to get to my Uni. 

No, I'm not justifying why I bought two sunglasses because I feel guilty. A girl can buy as many sunglasses as she wants and not need to feel guilty about anything. Why would I even feel guilty? 

Fine. 

Maybe I'm a little guilty. But, it's not my fault! They were calling out to me, whispering words like "buy me, you legend", "You'd look so sexy in us". 

And true to their promise, I did look hella sexy. So maybe I'm a tad bit guilty, but trust me, I would have bought the glasses either way. I think I'm going to wear lenses to university so I can pull off my sunglasses. I was going to start wearing lenses in the second year, but I think I'll just start after or before the first month; depending on how much I'll procrastinate the matter. 

Next up on my list is my TV table. Thank God, I got a plasma TV in my room. Although saying goodbye to my vintage baby Television was serious stepping stone, I had to get on with life. Now that I have a different TV, I thought getting a new TV table wouldn't be too bad. I'll probably get the one with the most drawers so maybe, just maybe, I could manage enough space for my *gasp* magazines! A whole drawer just for them... I doubt they'll all fit though.

Well, for now, I'm just glad I managed to finish organizing my cupboard (closet) and clothes. I separated all my old clothes from my new, and made space for my shoes too. God knows how much I've been hoarding things I don't need. Now, if I can find a way to organize my books, that would actually be amazing. Gosh, so much to do. I'm so glad I quit. I can, at least, get everything done before I have to deal with university shopping again. 

Just as random advice on a random topic; family. I don't know what to talk about more. The fact that sometimes family can be seriously bi-polar? Or the fact that they can easily piss everyone off? 

No. 

I'd rather say this... although there are things you can't really say to family members, or joke with them because it crosses certain lines (that didn't really exist before- probably because we were younger), these lines don't necessarily have to be a bad thing. Make jokes, laugh, enjoy your time, but don't make everything personal or a very private joke. Family is great, but a friend of mine told me "to every yin there is a yang" and I take this advice to heart. It really does make sense. Basically- family is great, they really are, but that doesn't mean every thing we say or do is going to be considered "okay" just because they're family. 

"Everyone has their limits"

Anyway Owls, 

It's getting late and tomorrow is my last day working, wouldn't wanna be late for that. 

With the best of luck a teenage girl can send, 

Farewell.

Dear owls, silly me.

Dear Owls, 

Just when I started thinking that summer was going great, my summer curse hit me. Hard. In case you don't already know, I am cursed with horrible summers for the rest of my life. If not the rest of my life, for use of a more optimistic view, the previous years I've lived. 

I found an amazing summer job, well so I thought. It turned out so bad. I was promised commission on anything I sold. I was also promised samples on most of the beauty products to try them out before I suggested them to customers. I was also told that my salary is not the only benefit to this job. Well, my boss was right, it was not. There were no benefits to this job. It was cool selling things to people and promoting all the products. I also enjoyed the satisfaction of getting someone to buy something. But here's when things got shitty... I was scolded if I couldn't sell the product? I was supposed to be friends with all the customers so that I could sell more effectively, but brought down if I couldn't do so? Not only this but I did not get the commission I was promised because I had to reach a certain "target" to start getting the reward. I was not told about the target, my boss even said, "Oh, you didn't know about this, but I'm telling you know so you are aware for the second month" 

Excuse me? 

If she thinks I'm staying for another month, she must have the summer heat on her side. I was about to stay. I thought tat staying wouldn't hurt, I could earn another sack of money, but not after what she did. I have worked in too many places to know that a deal is a deal. You can't promise to give someone you work with something and not give it to them later on. She is not my family, she is not my friend, she is someone I work with. By the end of it anyway, she was giving me too many responsibilities to handle and too many things to take care of. She was taking full advantage of the two months I was working and I just wasn't okay with it. 

I'm still not okay with it. I finish working this Sunday. I'm not coming back next month. I'm sorry if I hurt her feelings or that we came off on the wrong foot, but after everything that's happened to me in the short amount of time this month, I could care less about a complete stranger. Sorry, not sorry. 

The curse of summer continues when I tell you about my previous plans to spend my salary. My earning on the summer job was supposed to be spent on buying my mother a new IPad Mini, but that was happily flushed down the drain by my father. A...friend of mine. A best-friend of mine actually told me that my father would love the thought of me buying her one. I doubted it. I had a hunch that my father, as I know him very well, would not like it. 

True to my hunch, he didn't. He got mad and told me that she was in no need of a new IPad and that she already had one. To convince him I told him that it was "my salary and I was planning to get something for her anyway." and after he asked about the price, I told him that I have the "exact amount and that I don't need extra money from him". This made him very very angry. I knew it was stupid to say this to my angry father who doesn't want me depending on anyone but him, but it just slipped out. 

I'm going to keep the money. I have till the 27th of August (my mother's bday) to convince my father that the IPad is a great idea. As usual, everything I plan to do is a struggle. 

I feel like everything is bailing out on me. The person I used to talk to about everything is now someone I can't talk to about anything. It's something I have to deal with. I don't know what else to do. For now, I guess I just have to deal with everything. I knew it'll be hard, but I just didn't know how hard. Summer just sucks, I can't believe how every summer comes back to bite me in the ass. If my bestfriend was reading this, I'm pretty sure the first thought that would come to mind is "Ah, dramatic as usual." 

As promised, I will continue to do my best. I will continue to read, and I will continue to "kick ass" too. One of the promised I made was that whatever happens, I never give up on myself, and I never feel hopeless. Well... I guess I just have to pick up my act then. Since I'm quitting my job, I have more than enough time to focus on reading Reading and more READING. I'll start watching my favorite shows, and movies if I find stuff that I'm in the mood for. 

Things used to be more fun before. I used to enjoy things more before. I still do... don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed. I just feel missing. 

Well then my owls and whoever reads my idiotic blog, 

until the next blog entry, 

Me. 

Dear Owls, I did it.

Dear Owls, 

Last year, I came to you crying my words out about a job. I was in dire need of finding a summer job and it was so difficult because nobody wanted to hire a 16 year old girl in summer. 

But little did I know... what they really wanted was a 17 year old girl in summer. 

Yes my owls, I did it. 

I got a job. 

It's only for two months and I'm not officially an employee for legal reasons, but it worked. I'm hired and getting paid for my efforts. 

And it's funny because being at home, I hear enough about people wanting to lose weight, and now that I'm working at a Nutrition Center, it's all about weight loss. Everybody that comes in there just wants to complain about the same thing; they can't lose the weight! 

Of course all of them say they don't eat and that they think it's a metabolism or hormonal problem that must have been the issue ALL these years. 

I'm not sure if this is customer confidentiality... but today a customer came in wanting to lose 10 kilos in less than a week?! How could that even work?

You know what's the best part about all the people that come in? They're not even that thick. They don't even need to lose the fat. They're buying supplements and creams, and although I should be promoting them, I just don't believe in anything but the 'natural way to lose the bust'. It has been quite a tackle to be honest. Considering I haven't taken Biology or Chemistry in the past 3 years and I have no knowledge of most of the things the Doctor keeps taking to me about, she's actually a pretty good teacher. I've learnt more about the body and it's functions in the past two days than I have learnt anything in school in the previous years of study. 

In the winter, I went for an art center and comparing the both is just hilarious. They're two different kinds of jobs. Although this job teaching me more social skills and promotion techniques, the art center just made me feel at home. I dealt with amazing kids from the ages of 6 to 10 and they were just the cutest things ever. They made me want to kill them at times, but it was the good kind of murder, the one where you stop for a second and go, 'awe no'. The kids were fun. It was really hectic though, because sometimes they don't listen and I need to raise my voice and say something really mean like "Okay kids, no snack time" and the look on their faces just broke me from the inside. 

In hindsight, the past two jobs that I found for myself and took seriously didn't come to me easily. Recently, a teenager wanting to find a job said to me in desperation, "I'm looking everywhere, and I can't believe I can't find anything. I looked online for days and I just can't find anything."

But I'll tell this to every kid that wants to find a job, especially in Dubai. Never expect to find a tag that says *We need a TEENAGER to work for us in summer PLEASE* 

like, that's never going to happen. 

The advice I'd give first of all is the following: 

• Fix up your CV to look extra amazing. Since you're only so much younger than all the other applicants, you have to give them an excellent first impression and that's not going to come from your face as you apply online. 
• After fixing up your CV, I strongly suggest you ask someone you know, or your parents know who has good connections with people. By "connections" I mean... don't ask someone who's unemployed or doesn't work because they are less likely to know about people who need someone to help around. Once you've asked, don't keep nagging, but do follow up with the person so they know you're serious.
• Make sure you know the legalities in your country for hiring younger ones. If they're really strict, then I suggest you look for summer camps and centers that offer summer courses. They are likely to need someone who has a limited knowledge on office work or in summer camps, how to deal with kids. You're going to need to call the manager or the HR dept. if that place has one. Calling is very risky and I would mostly suggest sending an email with the attachment of your CV. 
• Be prepared for any disappointments that come your way. Many people, especially those with a serious work schedule, won't be willing to hire teenagers to accomplish the tasks at hand. 
• It's always good to have good social skills and a willingness to smile. Never EVER use your phone to text while waiting for an interview. Try talking with any of the employees that are free (aka; the secretary) so that they know you're mature enough. Strike a conversation about your family or ambitions, even if you don't want to. Usually during interviews most of the analyzing happens before the interview to see how you handle yourself and if you're patient. For one of my interviews, they made me wait 45mins for the sake of it, just to see if I would wait long enough. 
• If it doesn't work out one year... keep at it. With each year I got rejected,  I got a better sense of the money I'd be getting paid at each place and experience to know who to ask and who not to ask. I found that places at malls could be willing to hire you if it weren't for the legalities. Places at summer camps and centers are very likely to be willing to hire. Of course, when it comes to the pay, I wouldn't be very eager. It's always about the experience you'd be getting and the people you'd meet. So, if you're looking for extra money, I'd suggest promotion booths where you get extra bonuses with each customer that buys from your booth. 

That's all the advice I have to give, but the experience I got, for each of the jobs I got accepted and rejected for, was worth all the trouble. Of course you could always spend your summer in a different way and not bore yourself to death, but there's always another option right? 

Anyway, it's all easier said than done and I'm so glad someone offered me a job because it gives me an amazing time to learn new things and even read when there aren't any customers. 

My next aim is to find a job at a Cinema! A friend of mine did that and she said it was actually super fun. Well, she didn't, but it looked super fun! 

For now, nutrition center it is. 

With the best of smiles, 

Me. 

When the going gets tough...

Dear Owls, 

When I was younger, when I wanted something... I got it. I'm not saying I was being spoiled or anything, but when I wanted something, it wasn't this hard.

Is this part of growing up?

Because, if tearing myself apart about things that I don't understand and crying over miserable things that I don't want to think about was life... then I'd rather not grow up thank you very much. You know, the only thing that gets me through the day is knowing that I'm not the one that has it bad. Someone in the other side of the world could be crying about their mother finding out she had cancer and she had three weeks to live, or someone just lost their job with loans to pay off and a family to feed, or finding out that you couldn't have a baby as a middle aged woman; those are things that I would find heartbreaking. But what are my problems compared to those? Do I have a reason to cry sometimes? I'm thinking that I have to pick myself up. I'm thinking that I should just suck it up and walk. Walk away from all the problems without a scratch. I'm thinking crying about my problems is not the solution.

So what is the solution? 

Because when you're down on your knees and crying your heart out on the cold floor over something that doesn't really account for being 'important', or when you're running after the one dream you thought was the one thing that could lift your days up turns out to be 'worthless, or when you're running after people who you thought would lift you up when you come to all these realizations, happen to be the ones that step on you and laugh. So when the going gets tough, what happens to the weak? What happens to the ones who are defenseless against criticism people in the world will never fail to give? What happens to the girl in the toilet weeping, or the boy under the covers hoping, or the man in the park dying on the inside and outside because he can't pay for half the things this world offers? 

What happens to the ones who are still on the ground, still, not moving, on the cold floor? 

So when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. 

But do the weak just sit and watch? 

If so, what if I'm one of the weak? What if I've got no chance to keep going because I don't stand a chance?

Until I find out the truth, 

Yours always, 

Me.