The Path of Least Resistance

Dear owls,

Wasn't it scary? To stand in front of the world and sing? I understand now why people look up to confident people. They portray a part of them without fear of consequences. 

What happened to my voice? How did it get silenced? What happened to my courage? When I roared, who roared back louder and scared me off? Slowly, I bring my roar back, and I begin to tell my story better and stronger. 

When did I start writing emails better than I could write to the world about things that matter? So I stood in front of the mirror and asked myself, "what pisses you off, what makes you angry?" - it's the things that make us angry that matter the most to us. When you're angry, it's a good time to look at the topic that's causing you rage. Anger tells you what you care about.

I want to be famous, for all the right reasons. To make a difference in someone's life. But, as Jay Shetty says, "Purpose is for others, passion is for you," - so before making a difference in someone else's life, I'd like to find my tribe. I'd like to feel silly again. To speak my truth without fear. To feel invincible, as I once did before my story got lost in translation.

So, owls, I come back here to say, "thank you for being the only constant" - I've been journaling secretly because some things I don't want public, but for the most part of my life, it has been a pleasure to come back to this little writing home that I've created.

Yours with a surge of change,

Me.

Dear owls, a comeback.

 When I get too afraid to write...

I remind myself that it's normal. As Lady Gaga once said, "writing music is like open heart surgery", you really need to get in there to get the art out. And that's exactly how it feels when I'm writing poetry or just putting pen to paper. It's terrifying. It's a lot because you never know who will pick up your book, read your blog, skim into your words, and never know what they think.

My last blog post was 2 years ago. It's not because I haven't written. All my pieces are in 'drafts,' beautiful, well-written, lovable pieces. But, I made the decision for the readers to hide it. I decided to wrap all those unsaid words up and hide them away to gather dust. Letters to my future daughter, updates about life, and my feelings during the pandemic. I had so much to say, but I silenced myself because I feared saying the wrong thing.

When we're younger, we care less about the outcome of our actions, which is great when you're having a good time. Now, we're older, and we calculate very well the outcome - or so we think. Perhaps we over-calculate and under-explore.

Fellow reader, your eyes read like laser beams into the scream, and I am looking right back at you through my words. You may think this journey on my blog is solitary, quiet, and calm... but it is I. Here. Breathing. These stands of sentences are my veins; they swim in the internet, study the surface of your screen, and dance around with each word you read. This blog is not dead. This blog is alive. This page has always been my baby, heart, and brain all in one.

For when I pass away, a hundred years from today, my words are all I'll have left behind.

Love always with tea between my palms and a keyboard between us,

Me.

Dear owls, new place.

Dear Owls,

Coffee in my hand and a million things in my mind. I sit here and I contemplate all the paths life could have taken me. I am thankful that this was the road it lead on. I remember being in my dad's office and writing on my blog. He told me to work for him during the summer, earn some extra cash and gain experience. Little did he know, those moments shaped my experiences in life exponentially.

I am grateful for the many ways those little things made me who I am. Right now, I sit at my day job (my only job, ignore the dramatics) and I write this because I have noticed it's been a while since I've come on here. However, somehow it's always the right time when I choose to come back.

I'm doing my masters while I work. It's funny to me because I didn't expect it to be so different from earning my bachelors degree. I thought it would be attend class, study and ace the course. But with a masters, it's more of "how well can I manage this all?". I started off wanting to ace every course I enter. Then, I moved onto just wanting to get through the course without disturbing my work life too much. Now... I use my masters as a tool to grow and just become the person I've always wanted to be; forever learning, forever meeting new souls.

Everything has been clear so far; finish school, finish university, work. But it turns out, your desires as a human exceed these aspirations. You need something to get you through the weekdays. You need to feel more adventurous. Things need to work out in a much better way.

I believe that everything works out for anybody who lines up to their purpose. Incredible moments can be found in the opportunities that we take despite the doubt and fear that comes with it.

I am so proud of myself. I am so proud of the focuses that I have lead in life. I am sure that everything that is happening to me, is happening for me. I make things happen.

Another exciting thing I would like to continue pushing for is life coaching. It sounds extremely exciting and refreshing to help others. I have always wanted to live a life of service of others, but lately I feel like I have more tools to do this. There are so many things I would want to try in the world. I feel educated, wise and well.

If you've read this far down, I appreciate it.

I'll proceed with my day.

Yours with a passion for letters, love and progress,

Me.

Dear Owls, an infinity of questions.

Dear owls,

First and foremost, thank you for being a platform to understand myself and life. I'm proud of myself and my younger self for resting a nest on the internet, calling it home.

This blog may have started out as a dream that an opportunity would come by and I would get famous, but truthfully, this blog is more important than stardom and fame. This blog is my heart's home. It's a place I slip out of my tight shoes, put on a robe, tie up my hair and enter another planet. It's different having a place to tell your own stories, tell whichever stories you want. I'm very appreciative of the places I've gone, the people I've met, the childhood that lead me to this adult life.

I'm 22 right now. I feel 22. I feel great. Writing on my blog after such a long time feels like entering your childhood room after leaving your parent's house after moving out. It feels like you've gone through so much, but also that everything's still okay. A blog is so powerful. A place to tell my story. A place to read my past. A place to call my own. To decorate. In a world of Instagram, Twitter and the Kardashians, I've got a home here.

The other day I landed on my blog and realized the HTML coding edited out my playlist, it broke my heart. Got it back up. It reminded me of the whole "coding" phase. Gosh, it just feels refreshing to know I went through all these different moments. I'm in such a different place in my life right now and it doesn't necessarily mean I'm better or worse - it's just different and I am immensely blessed. Everything I am going through is a blessing. I am extremely connected to my inner voice. I can hear myself clearly. I understand what I need and what others around me want, without me having to ask them.

Growing up, I was a very confused little girl. I didn't know how to get where I wanted to be, but I always knew I was destined for great things. Right now, despite my chirpy tone, things aren't exactly in the best place they can be. I still feel blessed. I still genuinely feel happy.

I guess for a while, for now, that's all that matters.

Yours with an odd childhood reminiscing,
Me.

Dear Owls, a house.

My fingers tap at the keyboard with nothing to say. What do I tell this universe that has taken everything from me? Am I upset about it? No. However, the fact that everything is temporary shocks me. Why is it that we cannot have our cake and eat it too? Keeping aside the science of it.

My fingers tap at the keyboard with small talk. I've been fine. Thank you. And you?

I tap and tap, hoping that somewhere between the lines, a tear will escape the keys; an indicator of lifeforms. A hint that I can still feel something. A sign that my heart still beats. My heart still pounds, like my fingers at the letters. My eyes desperate to keep along. I worry that my body has outrun itself. My brain has reached galaxies my physical form cannot. And so, I unzip my skin and walk outside this body that has brought me nothing but heartache. I walk out and fly into the dusty, cosmic milky-way. I am now one with the universe. I watch myself dance with my mistakes, with my past and with everyone I have left behind also.

Where will I find my new home?

I giggle at my own jokes and write a million books; "To the humans on the planet I will not return to, do no make the same mistakes I have made. Do not hurt yourself over things that cannot get hurt themselves - do not swim with the sharks. Do not swim, in general. Swimming is boring. To the humans on the planet I will not return to... don't forget to feed the fish."

Where will I find my new home?

Perhaps I am the home... and what I really must look for, is a house.

Dear Owls, personality test.

Dear Owls, 

One of my friends sent me a personality test and I thought it would be fun to try out. As I was answering the questions, I found that it was a lot easier answering the ones that weren't about myself. Which is funny, given as this is my personality test.

Questions like; "Would you respect other people's beliefs?"

"Would you want your child to turn out smart or kind?"

"Would you rather be honest than kind?"

Were much easier to answer than, "What do you prefer more ____ or ____?" 

Click here to take the test and let me know what personality you get!

Much love, 

Me. 

Dear owls, give up.

Dear Owls, 

Perhaps the deepest kind of pain I've ever felt was the pain of letting go of something I really wanted. Recently, the universe tests my heart and keeps showing me that the things we long for most are probably the things we shouldn't hold onto. 

If anyone feels stuck, just know that it happens to the best of us. 

I've held onto a fantasy for the longest time because I promised myself that if I found something that made me happy again, I'd try my best not to mess it up. But, even fantasies end. Even fantasies have a habit of giving up on us. The question is, when do we know to give up on them? 

The truth is, when you've finally gotten the perfect solution to the problem, you lose what you were trying to fix in the first place.

It's okay to let go this time. 

It's okay to give up. 

I'm so proud of myself for holding on for this long; I genuinely didn't know I could care this deeply for anything at all. It's refreshing to know I'm not a zombie. 

Back to ZombieLand - where humans are nothing but cheat meals. 

Yours with a new keyboard, 

me.